Enough

So over a month after my hospital stay the Doctor's still have no idea what is going on but we do know the 10 medications I am are working.  I continue to be in tolerable pain and fatigued but I am learning how to deal with it.  As I wait for my Doctor's to figure out what is wrong with me I am also waiting to hear from Grand Valley on my Graduate admission acceptance and Art and I are still waiting to hear that we will have a family.  The family idea is diminishing more and more everyday, already saving for a vacation at Christmas because it will be technically our 3rd Christmas of no family.
Our 4H group and new animals are keeping us busy and thank goodness for that!  We hatched our first ducklings (3 out of 5) and hopefully will be hatching chicks and they will be born around the same time as our chicks coming from Murray McMurray in May.  The pigs will be here this Saturday and I have added three more goats and pick another up next week.  Just waiting now for Marvin's Gardens to open to pick up our veggie garden supplies.

Busy March

       I can not believe I did not post once in March, we had a very busy month.  Art and I finished our "PRIDE" classes, the last step in our foster license through the state of Michigan.  Now that those are out of the way they were able to finish our homestudy report and it was sent in last week to Lansing for approval.  No we do not want to foster or foster to adopt we want to adopt a sibling that their parental rights are already terminated but we still need a foster license.  It makes no sense to me but we did it and now we are just waiting (as usual) to here of any possible children, we are still on the infant adoption list (that is a joke) but miracles do happen, not to us but that is a whole other can of worms.
      We were called two weeks ago on two children, a young lady (9)  and young man (10) both Art and I agreed that was a little too old.  I am ok missing the first steps, diapers, and first words but I would really like to experience with one of my children their first day of school.  So we passed on those two and God help us that we made the right decision.  We may be kicking ourselves at Christmas time when we are still with no children and those two could have been ours.
     Atleast my bad health, 4H, and new animals have been keeping us busy.  I was hospitalized for 8 days and off work for three weeks total.  I am doing much better now but man was I sick, lost a lot of weight (still have a lot to go) and still not back to eating 100% but doing better.  I had c-diff on top of some other still unknown GI issue and a sinus infection.  So still on alot of medications and still going through tests.  With our 4H club we have been working hard raising money, building a pig/goat barn, and educating the kids.  I can not wait to have children and be involved in 4H with them, I love watching these parents work along side their kids.  I do get jealous but it still puts a smile on my face watching the families work together.  I bought a Mama goat and brought home her two babies, Smokey and Bandit.  Smokey is the Canfield kids goat and Bandit and Mama Melinda are mine.  I will be milking Mama Melinda goat as soon as the milking stand is built and I wean her babies off Mama Melinda was sick with intestinal worms so that was a whole fiasco in itself.  Then if I didn't think things were crazy enough I brought home a foster dog, Daphne, she left for her forever home 4 days later.  So I thought let's try again, Gabby, not a good idea....Gabby left 3 days later because she did not like Arthur (who doesn't like Arthur?), she wouldn't let him in the house.  So I think I will take a break from fostering dogs for awhile.
    So still waiting for our phone call on our children, still working (no winning lotto tickets here), and still loving farm life.

Going throught the motions....

Well I have not been on here in awhile, nothing has really changed on our adoption status.  We are still waiting and searching between infant adoption and sibling set adoption.  We passed our foster licensing homestudy and are on week 6 of 7 classes, after classes our paperwork can be sent into the state of Michigan for approval then we just wait for a match.  I have not had much emotion on the adoption, I am kind of numb.  I am excited about starting a family but do not get excited when someone tells me there is someone they know considering giving their baby up for adoption, because I have heard it to many times and it NEVER happens.  They say there are children (sibling sets) that need homes but our agency doesn't have any.  I have been diagnosed with Crohn's Disease and that has been keeping me busy, running 4H keeps me busy, reading books (I know weird) on adoption is keeping me busy, working is keeping me busy, and of course the animals keep me busy. 
I wish I knew why this was taking so long, I wish we would have been the minority and been placed already.  I wish this wasn't so hard like everything else in our lives!  The longer we wait, the harder it is.  The more you start thinking, what have I done to deserve this?  What is wrong with us, why has no one chosen us?  Is it our house?  Is it our animals?  Is it us, are we too fat?  What, what is the freaking problem?!?!?! 
Trust me I have plenty of days where I start to think I want to give up!  Throw the towel in, just be the best Aunt and Uncle possible, be the best 4H leader, and the best Big Sister. 

Kids?

Yes we are venturing into the phenomenal experience of adopting a sibling set from the state of Michigan.  We have to become licensed through Michigan Department of Human Services foster system.  We are hoping after licensing we can be matched with children that parental rights are already terminated.  Are we crazy, yes!  Crazy about children and the opportunity to be able to give some unfortunate children a forever loving home with love, support, large family, and resources to further their development.  We have already completed our foster homestudy, physicals for that state (yes, again), fingerprinting (yes, again), reference letters (yes, again), and  autobiographies (yes, again).  We are currently working on our seven weeks of foster licensing classes (1 down and 6 more to go) and one-on-one interviews (this coming week).
This process is not going quick and once we are matched the children will not be "home" quickly either.  We will have files to read, many meetings with the children, and court dates.  We are very excited but also nervous, cautious, and know this will be a continuous learning experience.  

11 months

Praying.....

I imagine....

Sometimes when I have a hard time sleeping I think about our child as if we had given birth ourselves and from the time we started to trying to conceive until now.  Art and I started trying to conceive November 2009 so "our child" could have been born September 2010.  He/she would be just over a year now and celebrated their second Christmas.  So much would have changed.  There probably would have been no Enja, no horse barn built, horses at home, probably not even any goats, and no rabbits.  I do not even know if I would have switched jobs, I may have just sold my car and got a simple cell phone and maybe just stayed home or work just part time.  There is no way I would have became a Big Sister for Big Brother/Big Sister and probably no Sunshine Acres.  It really makes me think what would have not happened in our lives and that makes me realize that God does have a plan.  He knows what he is doing and we have to trust him and give him our hearts and let our faith guide us.  Don't get me wrong I had many great thoughts and ideas with this fictional baby.  How great the holidays were and summer fun outside in the garden and spending time with friends and family.  It just made me think how full our life is with the animals and our volunteer work and that we feel a sense of fulfillment by our time volunteering.  I can not wait until the day we have a family but God knows we have a ways to go to be financially, educationally, and career wise before a baby and/or kids enter our lives.  I know you are never financially prepared for kids but maybe God has other plans and we have to just trust him t guide us.....As the New Year approaches I want to be more positive and fill this void with prayer, church, and more service because we all know that once this baby and/or children come that there may not be as much time to do it as I would like.

Is December almost over?

Is this new year almost here?  I am ready to put this year in the past, just another year without our family.  You know this would not be an issue at all if Art and I had the attitude that if "it happens, it happens" or if we were like we do not want kids but were not.  Were ready, our lives are ready.  We are ready to have that Christmas morning, Christmas mass, Christmas with our families, Christmas caroling, visiting Santa, and Christmas crafts.  We are ready for New Years Eve at home playing Wii and going sledding.  We are ready to curl up on the couch at night with our kids watching movies while it is snowing.  We are ready!
I come up with every idea in the book to do something else.  I am going to volunteer more (check), I am going to bake more (check), I am going to spend time with family and friends (check), I am going to actually find a career (check), I am actually going to try a new business idea (check), so now what.  Everyone says enjoy your animals, I do, or enjoy your husband, I do, or enjoy family, I do, I want to do all of this with our kids.  Our friends and family (not their fault) either have kids and we do things with kids or non kid friends we go to the bar.  As much as I love going out to the bar I want to have "play dates" and "over nights".  I dwell on the fact that we do not have kids also in fear that I do not want anyone to think that we have stopped wanting kids. 
There is this lady I know that wants nothing more to retire but she can not so instead she works and works.  She works but at the same time talks about retiring and how others retire and live in lavish houses and so phenomenol things.  There is another person I know that all they want to do is go fishing and they talk about it all the time, have the gear to do it, and still never go but they talk about it.  No matter what it is if you want something you will talk about it and dwell on it.  I know my child(ren) are out there but the waiting is getting worse.