Freaking Awesome!

So as you may know I have my good days and bad days well thank God I have this weekend downstate coming up.  Right before I leave work Monday morning a nurse asks if she can buy some eggs, I say yes and we chat about when we will both see each other and she says she won't be back until next week because she tries to work as little as possible since adopting her son.  I ask her how old is he and she says 3 years old, we fostered to adopt through Bethany.  I said really that is great, we are on the waiting list for domestic infant adoption through Child and Family Services but it's been 7 months and no infants.  She said they chose foster to adopt because through conversations with many people it was the quickest, I said there are no infants though.  She said they had two calls after their son was placed with them for infants.  I said really, she said there was a nurse on a different floor that actually fostered to adopt one of those two babies.
So same day I go to a 4-H meeting and this other leader brings her baby, we starting chatting and she asks where I work (I am in scrubs) and I tell her and she says I use to work there too up until we received him, she points to her son.  I said received, she proceeds to tell me we just adopted him through DHS.  I said really that is great bet that was a long time, she said they had two boys that they thought were going to be able to adopt but that didn't work out (the went back to Mom) and then their baby boy came to them, she said all in all 6 months.  She was proud as a peacock.  Two different people in the same day I talk to did foster to adopt.
I am now signed up to attend a foster to adopt orientation at our agency but also going to investigate Bethany's foster to adopt and DHS.  I don't know what else to do, 8 months is approaching and dear God have mercy on us during the holidays.  The holidays are absolutely the worst.  Christmas pictures, Christmas cards, cute baby outfits, cute toy & books, everyone excited to see the babies, babies being born, and everything possible babies, babies, babies.  I freaking hate the holidays, with a passion.  You know I am happy for everyone else that is having babies but it freaking tugs at my heart, ok!  I have to attend Thanksgiving knowing there are multiple pregnant women, some look at me like an outcast (even before this whole infertility thing) and some look at me like there is something wrong with me that I don't want infertility treatment but yet they don't know the whole story.  This is just frustrating, I swear if we could I would spend both holidays with just Art on a vacation somewhere, where we can be outcasts together and not see a lot of pregnant women or babies.  I am just frustrated, sad, and upset.  I know our baby is out there so please do not give me that response but it still hurts, I still feel like an outcast, and I want this all to end...

Holy Crap! Where have I been???

Well it has been awhile, in my standards, that I have had a post.  I have been really busy with work and downstate for a night and then back to work.  I am working a lot to prepare to have this coming weekend off, from Friday to Monday night, woo-hoo!!!!  Art had his last football game, his football banquet, I witnessed the phenomena known as DJ "the Beast" quarterback downstate, and had the car ride from hell with my Dad to and from Clarkston.
 I am heading downstate this weekend for much needed girl time, I have been friends with Moira and Leah now for 20 years.  I can cut loose, have fun, pick up where we have left off, and not be judged.  They don't care how much money I make, how much Art makes, their not hounding us about weight, and we sure as hell do not talk politics.  It won't matter what I am wearing, where we are going, and/or if were even talking it will just matter that we will be together.  It is pretty amazing these two friends of mine, of course there have been fights but no matter what we always make up because we are true friends.  Art doesn't understand this bond that we have and I do not expect him too, it is unexceptionable.  I miss Moira and Leah so much and I can not wait to see them.
Everyone says wow you are always planning an event, going somewhere, or working what are you going to do when you receive your little angel?  Why do you think I make these plans, to distract myself from the waiting process.  What's better sit at home and be sad or to get out there and laugh?  November my Mom, brother and family visit, and we head downstate for Thanksgiving/parade.  December I go to Chicago and Christmas....what better way to wait then with family and friends!

Busy, Busy, Busy

I thought being busy would help, now the party is over and I am sitting here realizing I am no where closer to receiving "our angel" then I was 7 months ago when we were first placed on the adoption list.  I sat at my kitchen table crying realizing this could be it, it could be just Art and I forever.  If that is the way it is going to be then I want to know, I want to know now so I can be prepared.  I love my husband very much and fall more in love with him everyday, he is my rock but I want to know.  I see more and more celebrities are adopting, maybe these birth mothers will start to come out more and more but we are not celebrities so will they choose us?  Maybe it is time to embrace that we will be the best Aunt and Uncle our nieces and nephews can have.  I mean our area has not seen many infant adoptions in a year now and our agency only keeps adding prospective parents not placing infants.
As I sit here I know this can not be it for me, I will go crazy.  I will not just be a Nurse Assistant, I want to do something from home where I am happy with my husband and animals.  I don't know what is going to happen or how or when but this can't be it, I want more and will make it happen somehow!

Oh what a Weekend.....

Well sadly the 4-H Halloween Party is over, we had an absolute great turn out and every adult and child looked like they had a blast!  The invitations were sent out weeks ago and honey do list was handed out 2-3 weeks ago and planning has been going on for about a month.  So it was the week of the party and yes we thought we had everything all planned, then Saturday came.  I thought I was going to be able to peel and cut two bushels of apples, make two veggie pizzas, seven pounds of sloppy joes, prepare potato salad, chocolate dipped pretzels, and jello by myself in one day.  Art cleaned out the garage but had football in Boyne City at 4:30 so he was out of commission.  So out come the troops to save the day, my Father in law putting up the black wall cover in the garage, my Mother in law peeling apples and advising, cousin Deb peeling eggs and apples, and the Canfield kids running errands and helping me laugh and decorate.  Which I really needed towards the end because when I finally went to bed Saturday night I had been up for 39 hours straight.  It was the first party I have ever planned that I was actually calm so I have decided before every party to ask for help and to have kids involved because they keep you laughing.

So the party arrives on Sunday and were as ready as were going to be.  I dressed as Minnie Mouse and some of the other parents dressed up but the best part was all of the kids were dressed up and they were all adorable.  I can not believe how much fun we had, the food was great, the games were fantastically fun, making applesauce was a learning experience for the kids, and the animals were a hit.  After the party people helped clean up and everyone said thank you and genuinely appreciated everything that we did.  As usual anything I do with kids I cry afterwards because I am so happy I made them happy and it gets me excited for the one day we could be doing all of this for our little one(s).

Tired

This past week has been a roller coaster of emotions.  I have went from depressed sleeping to little sleep in a matter of a week.  I have been having trouble sleeping since I had a dream that we missed out on another baby and I was dealing well with it when at 6am I was awoke abruptly by my phone and I sat up and thought this is it this is our "cold call", the number was from the hospital so I answered it and it was my work wanting to know if I wanted over time.  I just said no thank you and started quietly crying so not to wake Art, I really thought that was our call.  I told work that night, please never call me in the middle of the night.  So now I hate sleep, I hate my dreams, and I hate the fact that if I do sleep I may actually miss that "cold call".  

We did have some excitement on the adoption front through a family member, Art's side, she thought there was a birth mother.  It was a very emotional story which left me drained and us yet again childless but hopeful that there really are birth mother's out there.  This particular young lady's mother knew Art's cousin from work and church but come to find out the birth mother her self had already made her mind up on which adoptive parents she wanted.  As discouraging on the positive side it gives hope that are birth mother's placing and that particular baby is going to a Christian couple that are also infertile.  

I know everyone says "if its meant to be it will be", "your baby is out there", "in time", or "when your baby is born you will know", or "everything will come together".  My question is did the 15 year old girl who gave birth have it "all together" and was it really "meant to be for her to have that baby"?  This is where I am really struggling with the big guy upstairs.  I mean Art and I have so much to be grateful for but we both know that weight has never been easy for us, education wasn't easy for us, our careers are satisfying/challenging but were no executives (maybe if we were we would have a baby by now), and friendships are hard to come by. We have not had it real easy together and it really tugs at us, why is that we are not stronger together?  Why on top of everything else we have against us is someone somewhere always laughing at our struggles?  We really are good people!  We are a loving couple that genuinely cares about others.  We are not perfect but damn we are good people.  We love each other, we love God, we love our families, we work hard, we give back to our community (time not money), and we always open our home to anyone.  I don't get it, I just really do not understand.  I am beginning to break down just a little.  

Love

As we are approaching our 7 month on the prospective adoptive parent waiting list for "our little angel"  a recent occurrence took place that I want to be clear about.  We would gratefully accept phone calls, e-mails, and/or meetings with any potential birth mothers/parents even if they are just "thinking" about adoption.  It is the answer to a question that we approached in the beginning stages of adoption, "is it better to have love and lost or to have never loved at all"?  We (Art and I) both believe that it is better to love and lose then to have loved at all, so what does that mean?  It means that we are willing to take any risk involving the placement of an infant and/or "our angel".  All we want is the best for the birth mother/parents and infant.  We do not want anyone to be afraid to pass along our name, number, and e-mail address in fear the birth mother/parents will not choose us.  I may blog about the loss but just to have the chance to meet these selfless, loving, and giving women/men that may or may not place with us is hope, inspiration, and an overall amazing experience. Our biggest concern is the safety and happiness of birth mother, birth father, and baby.
Once the hurdle of being chosen is over and "our angel" is home birth parents still have up to 6 weeks to reverse the adoption and bring baby home with them.  So even after being chosen, going through how ever many birth parents, we may still lose our baby before adoption is finalized.  So every potential birth mother/parents that would like to speak to us only will make us stronger in the end.  Hard to think that way now but when we are placed and if birth mother/parents reverse the adoption this period time we are currently in will seem like a piece of cake.
Thank you everyone for continuing to spread the word and please continue to spread the word looking for our little one.

Recipes and Writing

So the blog seems to be going well, I really enjoy the emotional release it allows me to have.  No cares in the world, free to write what I want and when I want to.  It really has helped me cope and vent which if I didn't  it would only be a matter of time before I took it out on Art or my family.  I picked up where I left off reading my "Rediscovering Catholicism" and geeze I forgot how much I missed that book.  I feel refreshed just after reading a section.  The author has many fantastic ideals and suggestions to rediscover one's faith but there are two that I find phenomenal: "always be Christian" and  "thrive and not just survive".   Wow those are powerful!  I want to always be a Christian whether the other individual I am talking to is or is not.
 I believe throughout our adoption process we have forgotten we are Christians and I also believe that many people around us have forgotten their Christians.  I am not accusing just making an observation.  When we found out our infertility news we lost a few friends, as the adoption process began we lost a few more, and now that we are waiting and their having babies we are out of the picture.  Friends stay from beginning to end, I know people may not know how to deal with infertility and adoption but neither did/do we.  Friends stick by one another and as Christians pray together.
I want to thrive not just survive.  I want to be alive and live not just exist.  How great would it be to do something to be remembered for?  I want to bust at the seems of enjoyment yet make a living doing it.  I have previously blogged what occupies my thoughts but what really gets me excited, head out of gutter, is my animals and garden.  I love showing people around the barns and gardens, I love seeing the excitement of the children, and I love making anything in the kitchen.  So I believe I do thrive a little but I want to go the whole way, full throttle.  Someone one said to me "when in doubt throttle out", lol.  So before this little angel comes Mom and Dad are working on thriving, we want to make sure spiritually, mentally, and physically we are ready.  Step one is to return back to church, step two is to follow through and live a Christian life, step three is reevaluate where or careers/jobs are and make sure that is where we want to be and want to continue to be,  and step four to is live like we were dying (thank you Tim McGraw).   

Whoa where have I been?

I crack myself up sometimes with puns, look at my title for example. We have been super busy, productive, and silly this past week. Art and I went away for a night (hard to do with roughly 35 animals), Art's team won their game Saturday, Art and his Dad played in the dirt, I cleaned the house top to bottom, visited Matt & Katie's new family member (Myles), we had visitors, and 4-H livestock meeting. My phenomenal husband and father-in-law installed underground (5ft) water from the house to the front garden, in the barn, over the horse trough, and also to the back garden/pig pen. Those two together are such a great team. I mean by day Art works a 8-5 job, coaches youth football after work, has built me a horse barn, horse fence, ran water, built a pond, put up God only knows how much fencing, fixed vehicles, and laid flooring. He is my Superman and of course my prince charming. Building, repairing, and volunteering are his mode of occupied thoughts.
The busy weeks make it easier and not think so much about adoption, I never forget but busy equals occupied thoughts. So what are my other modes of occupied thoughts. I would believe my animals occupy me, 4-H occupies me, family time (Dad, Mom, brothers), work, my little sister from Big Brother/Big Sister, and recently reading (not when I am reading books on adoption). Hopefully once I take Bell (our eldest dog) to the veterinarian to be cleared health wise that will also be another mode of occupied thoughts. Even with all of these modes of occupied thoughts there are always little reminders or like last week a big reminder. Holding our friends new baby boy, it took everything I had to hold back the tears in front of them. He is amazing, beautiful, and perfect. He is everything I want in a child and more. The looks on his proud parents faces were priceless, I want to be that happy. I wanted to just scream in that room, "why? why me? why is this happening to my Superman/prince charming and I? Why can't we have this?". I really thought I would have a child(ren) by now, by the time I had gray hair and chin hair. I thought that children brought gray hair not wanting/stressing about having children. Even though I had adoption in my life plan I did not see it taking very long. For some reason I thought we were going to be that couple that through the average wait time off because we would receive our little won quickly, I know 6 months is still not that long but I really thought it would have already taken place.