Tired

This past week has been a roller coaster of emotions.  I have went from depressed sleeping to little sleep in a matter of a week.  I have been having trouble sleeping since I had a dream that we missed out on another baby and I was dealing well with it when at 6am I was awoke abruptly by my phone and I sat up and thought this is it this is our "cold call", the number was from the hospital so I answered it and it was my work wanting to know if I wanted over time.  I just said no thank you and started quietly crying so not to wake Art, I really thought that was our call.  I told work that night, please never call me in the middle of the night.  So now I hate sleep, I hate my dreams, and I hate the fact that if I do sleep I may actually miss that "cold call".  

We did have some excitement on the adoption front through a family member, Art's side, she thought there was a birth mother.  It was a very emotional story which left me drained and us yet again childless but hopeful that there really are birth mother's out there.  This particular young lady's mother knew Art's cousin from work and church but come to find out the birth mother her self had already made her mind up on which adoptive parents she wanted.  As discouraging on the positive side it gives hope that are birth mother's placing and that particular baby is going to a Christian couple that are also infertile.  

I know everyone says "if its meant to be it will be", "your baby is out there", "in time", or "when your baby is born you will know", or "everything will come together".  My question is did the 15 year old girl who gave birth have it "all together" and was it really "meant to be for her to have that baby"?  This is where I am really struggling with the big guy upstairs.  I mean Art and I have so much to be grateful for but we both know that weight has never been easy for us, education wasn't easy for us, our careers are satisfying/challenging but were no executives (maybe if we were we would have a baby by now), and friendships are hard to come by. We have not had it real easy together and it really tugs at us, why is that we are not stronger together?  Why on top of everything else we have against us is someone somewhere always laughing at our struggles?  We really are good people!  We are a loving couple that genuinely cares about others.  We are not perfect but damn we are good people.  We love each other, we love God, we love our families, we work hard, we give back to our community (time not money), and we always open our home to anyone.  I don't get it, I just really do not understand.  I am beginning to break down just a little.