I imagine....

Sometimes when I have a hard time sleeping I think about our child as if we had given birth ourselves and from the time we started to trying to conceive until now.  Art and I started trying to conceive November 2009 so "our child" could have been born September 2010.  He/she would be just over a year now and celebrated their second Christmas.  So much would have changed.  There probably would have been no Enja, no horse barn built, horses at home, probably not even any goats, and no rabbits.  I do not even know if I would have switched jobs, I may have just sold my car and got a simple cell phone and maybe just stayed home or work just part time.  There is no way I would have became a Big Sister for Big Brother/Big Sister and probably no Sunshine Acres.  It really makes me think what would have not happened in our lives and that makes me realize that God does have a plan.  He knows what he is doing and we have to trust him and give him our hearts and let our faith guide us.  Don't get me wrong I had many great thoughts and ideas with this fictional baby.  How great the holidays were and summer fun outside in the garden and spending time with friends and family.  It just made me think how full our life is with the animals and our volunteer work and that we feel a sense of fulfillment by our time volunteering.  I can not wait until the day we have a family but God knows we have a ways to go to be financially, educationally, and career wise before a baby and/or kids enter our lives.  I know you are never financially prepared for kids but maybe God has other plans and we have to just trust him t guide us.....As the New Year approaches I want to be more positive and fill this void with prayer, church, and more service because we all know that once this baby and/or children come that there may not be as much time to do it as I would like.

Is December almost over?

Is this new year almost here?  I am ready to put this year in the past, just another year without our family.  You know this would not be an issue at all if Art and I had the attitude that if "it happens, it happens" or if we were like we do not want kids but were not.  Were ready, our lives are ready.  We are ready to have that Christmas morning, Christmas mass, Christmas with our families, Christmas caroling, visiting Santa, and Christmas crafts.  We are ready for New Years Eve at home playing Wii and going sledding.  We are ready to curl up on the couch at night with our kids watching movies while it is snowing.  We are ready!
I come up with every idea in the book to do something else.  I am going to volunteer more (check), I am going to bake more (check), I am going to spend time with family and friends (check), I am going to actually find a career (check), I am actually going to try a new business idea (check), so now what.  Everyone says enjoy your animals, I do, or enjoy your husband, I do, or enjoy family, I do, I want to do all of this with our kids.  Our friends and family (not their fault) either have kids and we do things with kids or non kid friends we go to the bar.  As much as I love going out to the bar I want to have "play dates" and "over nights".  I dwell on the fact that we do not have kids also in fear that I do not want anyone to think that we have stopped wanting kids. 
There is this lady I know that wants nothing more to retire but she can not so instead she works and works.  She works but at the same time talks about retiring and how others retire and live in lavish houses and so phenomenol things.  There is another person I know that all they want to do is go fishing and they talk about it all the time, have the gear to do it, and still never go but they talk about it.  No matter what it is if you want something you will talk about it and dwell on it.  I know my child(ren) are out there but the waiting is getting worse. 

10 months

Written by Jeanette DeMain....A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, my husband and I spent several years navigating the rather surreal world of infertility. Tubes were checked, sperm were counted, hormone levels were graphed, ovulation tester sticks were peed upon, and powerful drugs were taken, both orally and by injection. You know you've hit rock bottom when you say with great weariness, "Honey, we have to have sex tonight," and you both approach it as some kind of grim chore, not much more pleasant than cleaning out the litter box.

Still, that was better than lying on a table under fluorescent lights, feet in stirrups, trying to think pleasant thoughts as a catheter containing the sperm that was deposited into a cup is inserted into your uterus in hopes that it will penetrate one of the recalcitrant eggs that your drugged-up, grapefruit-sized ovaries have been tricked into producing with the help of the above-mentioned drugs. (Hell, can't I even have a glass of wine first?)

Then there was the waiting. A couple of weeks of grossly inflated hopes, trying to convince yourself that this one would be the one that "took". But it just never was.

With the passage of a lot of time and a lot of soul searching, I eventually made my way through it. I was also helped immensely by a book that I felt at the time must have been written just for me: Sweet Grapes: How To Stop Being Infertile and Start Living Again by Jean W. Carter and Michael Carter. However, I'm not going to recommend this book to anyone, as doing that would probably have to be added to my list below. I found it on my own when I was ready, and I trust that other people will do the same.

After I put the finishing touches on this blog, I googled the phrase "things not to say to an infertile person", and I found several other lists with many similarities to mine. That made me feel confident that I'm not making this stuff up or exaggerating. These were all things that were said directly to me, in person or online.

So here, in no particular order, are:

The Top Ten Things Not To Say To Someone Experiencing Infertility

(with bonus pithy commentary)

(1) You need to relax!

The fact that rape victims can get pregnant puts this one to rest pretty quickly. I can't think of too many situations that are more stressful than that.

Of course, I was experiencing anxiety over this, but telling me that I need to relax sounds like you're blaming me. Infertility is a kind of illness, a malfunction of one of the body's systems, so please treat it that way. You wouldn't tell a cancer patient that she'll get well if she will "relax", would you?

(2) You should just adopt!

Adoption? Why, I've never heard of that! You say you can pay thousands and thousands of dollars, have every aspect of your life scrutinized, get put on a potentially years-long waiting list, and then possibly have the biological parent change her mind? Sign me up!

Seriously, though, this one really irks me. After two miscarriages and several years of infertility testing and treatment, we were tapped out physically, emotionally and financially.

It's not just some kind of checklist you go through

Try naturally: Check.
Go through testing: Check.
Clomid and timed intercourse: Check.
Injectables and IUI: Check.
IVF: Check.
Adoption: Check.
and only when you complete the checklist are you allowed to grieve your inability to have a child. No. No matter where you stop, you're still allowed to grieve.

After spending years trying to become pregnant, considering adoption is a complete switching of gears, and it's just not always possible to do that. Sometimes you just want it all to be over.

The fact that we didn't adopt doesn't mean that we really didn't want children enough. We decided to start a family for the same reasons most people do - we wanted to create a being that was a part of us. Is it selfish? Of course it is. But so what? Most people don't have to think twice about that.

Anyway, it is not the responsibility of infertile couples to take in all the unwanted children of the world. I am in awe of those who have chosen this path, but my heart just wasn't in it. I don't think one should do it under those circumstances. That doesn't seem terribly fair to anyone, especially the child.

And I wonder if couples who already have one or two of their own biological children and are considering having another ever have this suggested in such a dismissive way. After all, if anyone should consider adoption, it should be those who have already been blessed, right?

Look, it's just a very personal decision, and it's not the "answer" to every couple's infertility problem, nor is it the solution to world hunger and poverty.

(3) You want kids? Please, take mine!

Oh, I get it. Raising kids is hard! Thanks, but I think I already knew this. And besides, I don't want your kids. They're funny looking and rude (I'm kidding - your children are adorable). Also, you don't really mean this. You're just trying to be cute, and you're not succeeding.

(4) There's probably a reason for it.

Like, maybe, my child iss going to be the next Hitler or Manson? Something like that?

I do actually know the reason for one of my miscarriages. It was an abnormality resulting in a fetus with a genetic makeup that was "incompatible with life". (That's exactly the way it was phrased in the report. I find it kind of strangely poetic.) But, what was the reason behind that? It's simple: there is no reason for these things.

Would you ever tell a parent with a severely deformed child that there was a reason for it?

Sometimes bad stuff just happens, and that's that. At least that's the way I look at things. Please respect that.

(5) Oh, you're still young. It'll happen.

I'm not that young and how do you know it'll happen?

You are not clairvoyant. Don't give me false hope based on nothing more than your need to be "supportive".

(6) My cousin adopted a baby, and then one year later, boom, she was pregnant!

Well that's certainly a good reason to adopt, isn't it? I'm also pretty sure this doesn't always work. I can just hear the discussion now...

Joey: Mom and Dad, why did you adopt me?

Mom and Dad: Well, we really thought that, if we adopted a baby, then we'd get pregnant.

Joey: But I don't have a brother or a sister. So it didn't work, right?

Mom and Dad: No it didn't. But we've got you. And you're the next best thing! (Joey is now in therapy.)

(7) Have you tried accupuncture - meditation - standing on your head after sex, etc.?

Certainly not all at the same time! But, yes, believe me, we explored just about every avenue, be it based on medical science or on an old wives tale. We even went to a Chinese herbalist, who kept talking about "the house of the baby" (I assume he was referring to my uterus), and I spent two weeks drinking some sort of dark brown liquid twice a day that tasted like a combination of tree bark and liver. It made me want to throw up, which is the closest to pregnant I got with it!

(8) I wish I had that problem!

So you're...what? Hyperfertile? There are things you can take for that, you know. Now please go away before your water breaks on my carpet.

(9) There are too many people in the world anyway.

Thank you Mr. Malthus! I fully realize this, and I promise that, if I'm lucky enough to have one, I'll immediately kill myself so it'll all even out.

Besides, you should be talking to the Duggar family. They live in Tontitown, Arkansas, and they probably have their own page in the phone book.

(10) I think that people who have infertility treatments are selfish.

I am actually torn on this one. I did think it was kind of selfish when I was going through it. Selfish for me - I'd never judge someone else for it. It was also incredibly expensive and mostly not covered by insurance. I know that medical resources are a finite commodity, so, yes, I was conflicted. I went as far as considering IVF, but took one look at the procedure and knew that I just couldn't go through with it.

But is it only the treatment that's selfish, or the desire for a child in the first place? Frankly, I thought they were both selfish (again, for me), but it seems like it's only the infertile person who is "lucky" enough to hear this one.

In situations like this, here's a good rule of thumb: Not every opinion that is in your head needs to be voiced.

I know that people want to help, they want to be encouraging, and they want to say something. I truly appreciate all of the people who listened, who cared, who prayed, and who felt some empathy with us. I don't believe that any of the inappropriate things people may have said were said with malice or out of spite. And believe me, I'm not perfect either, so I learned from my own "foot-in-mouth" experiences what not to say to other people going through this. The same principles can be applied to any other situation where someone is suffering and you want to say something. Acknowledge the pain, offer your support, and express your hope that things will get better.

If someone shares their infertility issues with you, I think the best thing to say is something like this, "I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it's difficult, and I hope things work out for you. Let me know if there's anything I can do."

And if any of you now reading this are going through it, that is what I want to say to you.

Christmas time is coming soon....

I am in a funk, I can not get the energy up to decorate for Christmas.  My husband doesn't want to get a big tree this year because of what happened last year and his back can't handle it.  I love Christmas, I love the carols, lights, family time, get togethers, snow, and the presents.  I also love that it is a time for children, children we do not have and so thought by this time last year we would have.  Every thing and every where I look reminds me of children and families.  Whether it be the matching sweater Christmas cards, the commercials where the kids are excited around the tree waiting for Mom and Dad to get their coffee, and/or seeing all the kids with Santa.  Kids truly remind us of the magic of the season, although Jesus really is the reason for the season.  I do not know why it is so hard for us because we have never had kids before and we have so much to be thankful for.  I think it goes back to last year when we really thought by this Christmas we would have a baby.  Last year we had just received the news of our infertility and then the tree fell, the tree fell with all of our beautiful ornaments.  The ornaments that came in a set from our wedding that as a tradition we placed on the tree while reading what each ornament stood for.  So between our bad news about not being able to naturally start a family and the tree I just lost it, I fell to my knees and was just balling.  It was liberating!  We cleaned up the mess and put the tree back up with a much stronger tree stand.  So what got me through last year was thought that maybe by this year we would have a baby or atleast heard something.
Growing up family was important to me and we were a close family, I want that.  I think that is why I am so focused on having a family because I want that and there is so much love between not only Art and I but also our families for children.  I want our children to know their Grandparents and it scares me with not knowing when we will be blessed and placed with children.  It honestly scares me that I do not know when, will it be months or years.  I am not going to stop living but at the same time do not feel alive.

Foster Home Visit

So we had our first foster home visit, there will be two more max.  So as we did for the infant adoption homestudy we were running around like crazy trying to clean up and organize the house.  One thing I do have to say is that there is much less stress involved with this homestudy then the infant adoption program.  Art and I feel so much more comfortable and in sync with the whole adopt from foster care idea.  With the infant adoption program I feel like we were expected to "impress" the birthmother.  For example we received a phone call from the agency saying that there were 2 birthmothers that came in and chose couples to interview.  There are 11 prospective adoptive couples in our pool and we were first on this new list.  Out of the 11 couples, there were 6 couples chosen to be interviewed, we were not one of them.  So I asked why, our social worker said because the one birthmother said that our daycare situation was too complicated and seemed like the baby would always be in daycare.  The other birthmother did not like that we did not have our infertility sob story in our book.  First of all if our social worker knew anything about us she would have known our child would never have been in daycare until he/she was old enough and by choice.  Second of all I did my book the exact way the "14 year veteran" social worker told us to do it and she said to keep it light and fun.  Once we captured the birthmother's attention we would have met them and explained face to face "our story".  I was just shocked the day we received this news.  Art was in the hospital for his back and then we received the giant "you suck" phone call from our agency.  I was extremely hard on my self about it because I put the book together, I honestly have never worked on anything that hard in my entire life.  I was devastated.  So I picked up the book from our great social worker and brought it home changed the wording under the daycare proportion and have not added our so story or returned the book yet, it has been 2 1/2 weeks.  I don't know if I want to return the book, Art doesn't care because he really likes the adopt from foster care idea much better.
The children from foster care ultimately want to be reunited with their families but in some circumstances that does not happen and then they really want a home and family.  Art and I are really looking to bring children into our home and have a family.  We know it will not be easy but either is raising a baby and the unknown physical and/or mental genetic disabilities that could occur.  With adoption from foster care we would know ahead of time and the resources are available right at our agency office.  Adopting from foster care we would not have to "impress" the children, we would just need love, patience, support, and compassion.  Right now we are still on the infant adoption program, we can dual enroll because the infant program we paid for everything and the Michigan foster licensing takes awhile and they do not care if you are on both.  We still have classes to take (January), paperwork to fill out, autobiographies (16 pages each), things to fix at the house (minor changes), finger printing, physicals, references, state approval & license number assigned, and more home visits.  We will see where our journey takes us?????????????????????

Thanksgiving

As the Holidays are starting to roll around, the first one of the season is Thanksgiving. I have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful to be married to such a wonderful man that loves me, I am thankful to have a great and loving family, I am thankful for the few great friends that I have, I am thankful for the healthy and great kids of my 4H group, and I am thankful for the animals in my life that bring me so much joy. I can not stop thinking that it has been two years since we began trying to have children and a year since being diagnosed infertile. This will be the third Thanksgiving I say "hopefully next year I can say I am thankful and blessed by my child(ren)". See what people do not always understand is that yes we have only been on the "official adoption list" for 8 (now closer to 9 months) but we have been trying to have children for 2 years with absolutely no success. So with having so much to be thankful for I am still yearning for more...

Church

Wow are we ever torn, which church to attend.  We both really want to return to church/worship and right when last week I thought I had it figured out I was again right where I started.  Art and I really want to return to church together and give thanks for what we have and place our worries to God, we want some place to call "our church".  We thought we had found "our church" at Westside Community when we were first dating and married but there was a series of events that took place that took us away from Westside.  One event was going on a mission trip to Africa that we were asked at Sam's Club, of all places, not to go on the trip because we lived together before marriage.  Well that is fine but should have done that in the beginning and you should have gotten to know us and why we lived together before marriage.  You should not have let us start fundraising and prepping for passports and inviting us to your house and reading scripture together.  Another thing was when we expressed our concerns no one stood up for us.  Again no one wanted to hear our opinion it was just either brushed under the rug and that told us that they sided with the people running the mission trip and not us.  Please do not pretend to be our friends and then not stand beside us....
Then after Westside we went through our infertility issues and choosing an adoption agency and I wanted to return to my faith growing up as Catholic.  After attending mass a few times, feeling a little pressure from the Deacon to have Art join, and not feeling home we chose not to attend mass anymore and/or St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
I know that no matter where we go no one is perfect, especially us, but do not pretend.  Either tell us how it is or just smile, say hello, and move on.  We need some place to just pray, be accepted, and listen to the good word.  This past Sunday we received a text message from Art's cousin saying that Westside was having "adoption Sunday" which explains about adoption and the need in our community so we are like maybe we should give Westside another chance, we really do miss Pastor John at Westside.  Then same afternoon we have a delivery from Art's parents of our Advent kit from  St. Patrick's.  I felt like both were a sign, we have not heard anything from either church and then all of a sudden we hear from both churches.
So we pray, pray for a sign to know where we should attend.  Where we will not be judged but people want to know who we are.  Where God is number one and politics is second, is there a place like that?

Headache

What a busy day today was and it went by quick.  Had a hair appointment, errands, 4-H Pampered Chef Fundraiser meeting, large animal veterinarian out for physicals, Spencer staying the night at the house, and then work.  Where did Friday go?  While the hustle and bustle of the day was around I couldn't help but think I have had a headache for a week now, my face is broke out, and I swear I could sleep all day everyday.  I am stressed out, I am weak.  I think to myself hey this is nothing girl wait until you have kids on top of everything else!  Kids, what a concept.  Why is it that here we are excited about exploring a new option of adopt from foster care and first thing people say is "well just remember they have problems that's why their in foster care".  First of all their parents had problems, tell me how to help with these problems, and all children can have problems both physical and emotional.  Look at the whole picture and if you do not have anything nice to say (since we have enough disappointment) then do not say anything.  I know these kids will probably need more "attention" then maybe a newborn but starting to realize maybe that is not an option.  Instead of saying they come with "problems" or "junk" maybe say they will need more love and affection or attention but when these are my kids do not tell me they have problems, their obstacles and let me know how you are going to help or support and not judge.  Now I have a bigger headache!

Surviving

"Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react."  Well last week was a rough week.  My Dad was in the hospital, on my floor, in the beginning of the week and my husband was in the hospital, on my floor, at the end of the week.  My Dad was in for yet another spontantenous infection and my husband for back problems.  I was instantly reminded why I work on the floor I work on at Munson, the care my boys received was beyond my imagination.  The professionalism, attitude, and compassion was absolutely appreciated.  Unfortunately I was still a basket case and not my chipper self.  Worried about the health of my boys, lack of sleep, taking care of the farm by self, and my birthday weekend plans crushed. 

On top of all this we received an e-mail from the adoption agency.  Not one but two birthmothers came in to Child and Family Services and we were not chosen to be one of the couples to be interviewed, the birthmothers choose three couples out of the potential adoptive couple pool at the agency to interview.  There are only 11 couples in our pool and 6 out 11 couples were chosen to interview and guess what we were not one of them.  So we read and called our worker and asked why?  She said one of the birthmothers said it sounded like the baby would in daycare all the time and the other because we did not have our infertility sob story typed out for her to read.  I was just empty, I didn't know what to say or do so as I was in the hospital room with my husband I just lost it want started crying.  I had nothing left, really the week just had hit rock bottom at that point.  So Art and I dissected what the feedback was and decided that I would redo the daycare arrangements answer and about the sob stroy of infertility, I am still up in the air on writing that out.  When we talked to the worker I told her I did the book the first time the way she wanted/reccommended, I mean she has been doing this for 14 years.  I mean I have honestly never worked on anything that hard in my entire life and now yet again it was not good enough.  Is anything good enough that I do?  Why even try?  I just throw my hands up.  I have nothing left.  I have an injured husband, a sick father, and now a broken heart.  

Do we stay, do we go, do we dual enroll

Well Art and I went to the Child and Family Services Foster Program Orientation.  What did we learn?  The government wastes a lot of money, there is a lot of work to become foster licensed, yes you have to be foster licensed in order to adopt, and there will still be a lengthily waiting period.  We are now officially more confused then ever.  We have been on the list 8 months for domestic infant adoption and only have had more couples added to the pool and no babies/no calls for babies.  If we were to adopt an infant I believe in the future we would adopt an older sibling set where if we straight adopt a sibling set with a infant or toddler in the sibling set then we would have our instant family.  But with adopting from foster is it an instant family?  

The children may need behavioral counseling, they may resent us, they may hate us, they may ???????  There are so many questions.  So we turned in our interest form and we will go from there.  I know the domestic infant counselors want us to wait one year before changing programs but I feel like if we adopt from foster that we will be making a difference, something that Art and I do through volunteering with children now.  I don't want to look at my kids though as a service project, I don't think that will be an issue but what if?  An infant will always be able to find a home.  I can honestly say I have no idea what I am feeling.  Am I just impatient?  Am I meant to love a sibling set?  Am I suppose to dual enroll and see what happens?  

Chaotic

I had a spectacular time downstate this past weekend, I am still tired but so happy I went.  I have no idea what I would do if I did not have such great friends and family.  I am so happy Art was able to spend time with his long lost friend and go back to being a happy go lucky guy.  Things do change, people do grow, and friendships (true friends) just roll with it/evolve.  "We will be friends until we are old and senile then we will be new friends"

While I was away and my phenomenal husband was home taking care of my animals I really realized that he truly is my best friend.  We love enough to always be honest, trustworthy, and reliable.  Our love for one another is everything, all the other stuff is just that stuff and we can deal with that.  

It is already November, which starts the chaos of Holidays and Birthdays.  My Birthday is November 15th, Thanksgiving, then December which brings Art's big 30th Birthday and of course Christmas.  November also marks 8 months officially on the adoption waiting list with absolutely not one call.  Then comes December the 9th month we have been waiting, if we were able to get pregnant it could have been our due date month but moving on.  The problem is that all I want to do is spend time with Art but when I am with him I am constantly reminded that it is just us and that there is something missing, our angel.  I hate this feeling.  If we lay there cuddling I think "one day our angel could be laying with us" or when were at the mall walking around I think "one day we could be pushing our angel around in a stroller together".  There is nothing wrong with just "us" time and yes I am more in love with my husband now then ever but at the same time it starts eating at you when both of us want the same thing to expand our family.  I mean honestly how many more organizations can we be involved in?  We have enough to occupy us but it is still always right there and then when we are on a stretch of waiting patiently some event will happen and it stirs our emotions up.  Maybe the emotional stirring is actually a good think, it makes us realize we still really do care and definitely still want our own family.  

I fell very negative all the time but until we we receive our angel I feel like there really is something missing.  I feel lost now, I am so up and down I could scream.  Are we doing the right thing trying to adopt an infant?  Are we suppose to try and do foster to adopt?  Are we suppose to not have any children?  I pray but there is no answer and I wait but still nothing........ 

Freaking Awesome!

So as you may know I have my good days and bad days well thank God I have this weekend downstate coming up.  Right before I leave work Monday morning a nurse asks if she can buy some eggs, I say yes and we chat about when we will both see each other and she says she won't be back until next week because she tries to work as little as possible since adopting her son.  I ask her how old is he and she says 3 years old, we fostered to adopt through Bethany.  I said really that is great, we are on the waiting list for domestic infant adoption through Child and Family Services but it's been 7 months and no infants.  She said they chose foster to adopt because through conversations with many people it was the quickest, I said there are no infants though.  She said they had two calls after their son was placed with them for infants.  I said really, she said there was a nurse on a different floor that actually fostered to adopt one of those two babies.
So same day I go to a 4-H meeting and this other leader brings her baby, we starting chatting and she asks where I work (I am in scrubs) and I tell her and she says I use to work there too up until we received him, she points to her son.  I said received, she proceeds to tell me we just adopted him through DHS.  I said really that is great bet that was a long time, she said they had two boys that they thought were going to be able to adopt but that didn't work out (the went back to Mom) and then their baby boy came to them, she said all in all 6 months.  She was proud as a peacock.  Two different people in the same day I talk to did foster to adopt.
I am now signed up to attend a foster to adopt orientation at our agency but also going to investigate Bethany's foster to adopt and DHS.  I don't know what else to do, 8 months is approaching and dear God have mercy on us during the holidays.  The holidays are absolutely the worst.  Christmas pictures, Christmas cards, cute baby outfits, cute toy & books, everyone excited to see the babies, babies being born, and everything possible babies, babies, babies.  I freaking hate the holidays, with a passion.  You know I am happy for everyone else that is having babies but it freaking tugs at my heart, ok!  I have to attend Thanksgiving knowing there are multiple pregnant women, some look at me like an outcast (even before this whole infertility thing) and some look at me like there is something wrong with me that I don't want infertility treatment but yet they don't know the whole story.  This is just frustrating, I swear if we could I would spend both holidays with just Art on a vacation somewhere, where we can be outcasts together and not see a lot of pregnant women or babies.  I am just frustrated, sad, and upset.  I know our baby is out there so please do not give me that response but it still hurts, I still feel like an outcast, and I want this all to end...

Holy Crap! Where have I been???

Well it has been awhile, in my standards, that I have had a post.  I have been really busy with work and downstate for a night and then back to work.  I am working a lot to prepare to have this coming weekend off, from Friday to Monday night, woo-hoo!!!!  Art had his last football game, his football banquet, I witnessed the phenomena known as DJ "the Beast" quarterback downstate, and had the car ride from hell with my Dad to and from Clarkston.
 I am heading downstate this weekend for much needed girl time, I have been friends with Moira and Leah now for 20 years.  I can cut loose, have fun, pick up where we have left off, and not be judged.  They don't care how much money I make, how much Art makes, their not hounding us about weight, and we sure as hell do not talk politics.  It won't matter what I am wearing, where we are going, and/or if were even talking it will just matter that we will be together.  It is pretty amazing these two friends of mine, of course there have been fights but no matter what we always make up because we are true friends.  Art doesn't understand this bond that we have and I do not expect him too, it is unexceptionable.  I miss Moira and Leah so much and I can not wait to see them.
Everyone says wow you are always planning an event, going somewhere, or working what are you going to do when you receive your little angel?  Why do you think I make these plans, to distract myself from the waiting process.  What's better sit at home and be sad or to get out there and laugh?  November my Mom, brother and family visit, and we head downstate for Thanksgiving/parade.  December I go to Chicago and Christmas....what better way to wait then with family and friends!

Busy, Busy, Busy

I thought being busy would help, now the party is over and I am sitting here realizing I am no where closer to receiving "our angel" then I was 7 months ago when we were first placed on the adoption list.  I sat at my kitchen table crying realizing this could be it, it could be just Art and I forever.  If that is the way it is going to be then I want to know, I want to know now so I can be prepared.  I love my husband very much and fall more in love with him everyday, he is my rock but I want to know.  I see more and more celebrities are adopting, maybe these birth mothers will start to come out more and more but we are not celebrities so will they choose us?  Maybe it is time to embrace that we will be the best Aunt and Uncle our nieces and nephews can have.  I mean our area has not seen many infant adoptions in a year now and our agency only keeps adding prospective parents not placing infants.
As I sit here I know this can not be it for me, I will go crazy.  I will not just be a Nurse Assistant, I want to do something from home where I am happy with my husband and animals.  I don't know what is going to happen or how or when but this can't be it, I want more and will make it happen somehow!

Oh what a Weekend.....

Well sadly the 4-H Halloween Party is over, we had an absolute great turn out and every adult and child looked like they had a blast!  The invitations were sent out weeks ago and honey do list was handed out 2-3 weeks ago and planning has been going on for about a month.  So it was the week of the party and yes we thought we had everything all planned, then Saturday came.  I thought I was going to be able to peel and cut two bushels of apples, make two veggie pizzas, seven pounds of sloppy joes, prepare potato salad, chocolate dipped pretzels, and jello by myself in one day.  Art cleaned out the garage but had football in Boyne City at 4:30 so he was out of commission.  So out come the troops to save the day, my Father in law putting up the black wall cover in the garage, my Mother in law peeling apples and advising, cousin Deb peeling eggs and apples, and the Canfield kids running errands and helping me laugh and decorate.  Which I really needed towards the end because when I finally went to bed Saturday night I had been up for 39 hours straight.  It was the first party I have ever planned that I was actually calm so I have decided before every party to ask for help and to have kids involved because they keep you laughing.

So the party arrives on Sunday and were as ready as were going to be.  I dressed as Minnie Mouse and some of the other parents dressed up but the best part was all of the kids were dressed up and they were all adorable.  I can not believe how much fun we had, the food was great, the games were fantastically fun, making applesauce was a learning experience for the kids, and the animals were a hit.  After the party people helped clean up and everyone said thank you and genuinely appreciated everything that we did.  As usual anything I do with kids I cry afterwards because I am so happy I made them happy and it gets me excited for the one day we could be doing all of this for our little one(s).

Tired

This past week has been a roller coaster of emotions.  I have went from depressed sleeping to little sleep in a matter of a week.  I have been having trouble sleeping since I had a dream that we missed out on another baby and I was dealing well with it when at 6am I was awoke abruptly by my phone and I sat up and thought this is it this is our "cold call", the number was from the hospital so I answered it and it was my work wanting to know if I wanted over time.  I just said no thank you and started quietly crying so not to wake Art, I really thought that was our call.  I told work that night, please never call me in the middle of the night.  So now I hate sleep, I hate my dreams, and I hate the fact that if I do sleep I may actually miss that "cold call".  

We did have some excitement on the adoption front through a family member, Art's side, she thought there was a birth mother.  It was a very emotional story which left me drained and us yet again childless but hopeful that there really are birth mother's out there.  This particular young lady's mother knew Art's cousin from work and church but come to find out the birth mother her self had already made her mind up on which adoptive parents she wanted.  As discouraging on the positive side it gives hope that are birth mother's placing and that particular baby is going to a Christian couple that are also infertile.  

I know everyone says "if its meant to be it will be", "your baby is out there", "in time", or "when your baby is born you will know", or "everything will come together".  My question is did the 15 year old girl who gave birth have it "all together" and was it really "meant to be for her to have that baby"?  This is where I am really struggling with the big guy upstairs.  I mean Art and I have so much to be grateful for but we both know that weight has never been easy for us, education wasn't easy for us, our careers are satisfying/challenging but were no executives (maybe if we were we would have a baby by now), and friendships are hard to come by. We have not had it real easy together and it really tugs at us, why is that we are not stronger together?  Why on top of everything else we have against us is someone somewhere always laughing at our struggles?  We really are good people!  We are a loving couple that genuinely cares about others.  We are not perfect but damn we are good people.  We love each other, we love God, we love our families, we work hard, we give back to our community (time not money), and we always open our home to anyone.  I don't get it, I just really do not understand.  I am beginning to break down just a little.  

Love

As we are approaching our 7 month on the prospective adoptive parent waiting list for "our little angel"  a recent occurrence took place that I want to be clear about.  We would gratefully accept phone calls, e-mails, and/or meetings with any potential birth mothers/parents even if they are just "thinking" about adoption.  It is the answer to a question that we approached in the beginning stages of adoption, "is it better to have love and lost or to have never loved at all"?  We (Art and I) both believe that it is better to love and lose then to have loved at all, so what does that mean?  It means that we are willing to take any risk involving the placement of an infant and/or "our angel".  All we want is the best for the birth mother/parents and infant.  We do not want anyone to be afraid to pass along our name, number, and e-mail address in fear the birth mother/parents will not choose us.  I may blog about the loss but just to have the chance to meet these selfless, loving, and giving women/men that may or may not place with us is hope, inspiration, and an overall amazing experience. Our biggest concern is the safety and happiness of birth mother, birth father, and baby.
Once the hurdle of being chosen is over and "our angel" is home birth parents still have up to 6 weeks to reverse the adoption and bring baby home with them.  So even after being chosen, going through how ever many birth parents, we may still lose our baby before adoption is finalized.  So every potential birth mother/parents that would like to speak to us only will make us stronger in the end.  Hard to think that way now but when we are placed and if birth mother/parents reverse the adoption this period time we are currently in will seem like a piece of cake.
Thank you everyone for continuing to spread the word and please continue to spread the word looking for our little one.

Recipes and Writing

So the blog seems to be going well, I really enjoy the emotional release it allows me to have.  No cares in the world, free to write what I want and when I want to.  It really has helped me cope and vent which if I didn't  it would only be a matter of time before I took it out on Art or my family.  I picked up where I left off reading my "Rediscovering Catholicism" and geeze I forgot how much I missed that book.  I feel refreshed just after reading a section.  The author has many fantastic ideals and suggestions to rediscover one's faith but there are two that I find phenomenal: "always be Christian" and  "thrive and not just survive".   Wow those are powerful!  I want to always be a Christian whether the other individual I am talking to is or is not.
 I believe throughout our adoption process we have forgotten we are Christians and I also believe that many people around us have forgotten their Christians.  I am not accusing just making an observation.  When we found out our infertility news we lost a few friends, as the adoption process began we lost a few more, and now that we are waiting and their having babies we are out of the picture.  Friends stay from beginning to end, I know people may not know how to deal with infertility and adoption but neither did/do we.  Friends stick by one another and as Christians pray together.
I want to thrive not just survive.  I want to be alive and live not just exist.  How great would it be to do something to be remembered for?  I want to bust at the seems of enjoyment yet make a living doing it.  I have previously blogged what occupies my thoughts but what really gets me excited, head out of gutter, is my animals and garden.  I love showing people around the barns and gardens, I love seeing the excitement of the children, and I love making anything in the kitchen.  So I believe I do thrive a little but I want to go the whole way, full throttle.  Someone one said to me "when in doubt throttle out", lol.  So before this little angel comes Mom and Dad are working on thriving, we want to make sure spiritually, mentally, and physically we are ready.  Step one is to return back to church, step two is to follow through and live a Christian life, step three is reevaluate where or careers/jobs are and make sure that is where we want to be and want to continue to be,  and step four to is live like we were dying (thank you Tim McGraw).   

Whoa where have I been?

I crack myself up sometimes with puns, look at my title for example. We have been super busy, productive, and silly this past week. Art and I went away for a night (hard to do with roughly 35 animals), Art's team won their game Saturday, Art and his Dad played in the dirt, I cleaned the house top to bottom, visited Matt & Katie's new family member (Myles), we had visitors, and 4-H livestock meeting. My phenomenal husband and father-in-law installed underground (5ft) water from the house to the front garden, in the barn, over the horse trough, and also to the back garden/pig pen. Those two together are such a great team. I mean by day Art works a 8-5 job, coaches youth football after work, has built me a horse barn, horse fence, ran water, built a pond, put up God only knows how much fencing, fixed vehicles, and laid flooring. He is my Superman and of course my prince charming. Building, repairing, and volunteering are his mode of occupied thoughts.
The busy weeks make it easier and not think so much about adoption, I never forget but busy equals occupied thoughts. So what are my other modes of occupied thoughts. I would believe my animals occupy me, 4-H occupies me, family time (Dad, Mom, brothers), work, my little sister from Big Brother/Big Sister, and recently reading (not when I am reading books on adoption). Hopefully once I take Bell (our eldest dog) to the veterinarian to be cleared health wise that will also be another mode of occupied thoughts. Even with all of these modes of occupied thoughts there are always little reminders or like last week a big reminder. Holding our friends new baby boy, it took everything I had to hold back the tears in front of them. He is amazing, beautiful, and perfect. He is everything I want in a child and more. The looks on his proud parents faces were priceless, I want to be that happy. I wanted to just scream in that room, "why? why me? why is this happening to my Superman/prince charming and I? Why can't we have this?". I really thought I would have a child(ren) by now, by the time I had gray hair and chin hair. I thought that children brought gray hair not wanting/stressing about having children. Even though I had adoption in my life plan I did not see it taking very long. For some reason I thought we were going to be that couple that through the average wait time off because we would receive our little won quickly, I know 6 months is still not that long but I really thought it would have already taken place.

Long Day

So I worked Tuesday from 7a-3p and then again from 11p-7a, I did go home and sleep a little in between.  So I don't know if this hostility is from lack of sleep or if I am truly upset today, lol.  Sent the adoption social worker an e-mail and no change at the agency besides yipee our pool of prospective adoptive parents is now larger.  Art's old buddy is having his first baby today, or suppose to be.  I do not know why their pregnancy has bothered me so much.  As I think more and more about it I think it's because when I first met Art I really latched on to this other couple and the wife and I talked about being pregnant together and raising our kids together.  If we had boys what it would be like have these two auto freak husbands and how our kids would have jacked up big wheels and it one was a girl and the other a boy that they would probably always be together so they would probably end up getting married.  Then we started separating, the house I wanted they bought (not their fault, they didn't even know) and then we both started talking about starting families around the same time and they became pregnant.  It seemed they were always one step ahead and everything comes so easy.  Now as they embark onto their new family, we are the last one's in Art's group of friend's to start a family.  If that were by choice then this wouldn't even be an issue but of course we are and nothing.
Of course the immature wife I am I always take it out on my husband, it is not his fault were infertile.  It is actual no one's fault and when we have our little angel none of this will matter but for now it does.  For now I think about how I want my baby, how are we going to afford this baby (once our baby/babies are paid for it will be time for college), and we have no couple friends.  We have each other and I love my husband to death but sometimes you want to gossip, talk girl talk, and go get a pedicure....not happening.
So as my Mother always told me not to take the weight of the world (aka what's bothering me) and take it out on family I must learn to do that with my poor husband.  It's not his fault were not millionaires, can't have babies, and we have no friends.....I need to start looking at myself and see what I can do to change all of these especially before blaming anyone or making them think I am.

What a Great Day!

So Art had some friends out today to see the animals and ride the horse.  I can not wait to see the pictures.  It was amazing watching how excited those little guys were and how adventurous they were.  It made me think, what do I love.....besides God, country, family, and friends.  I love children, the elderly, and my animals.  I love my animals like they are my children, they are all amazing!  So I keep thinking of what I can do with these hobbies I love.  Bell (our Great Dane mix) and I went this past Saturday and took the test to have her certified as a therapy dog and canine good citizen and she passed with flying colors.  I keep thinking also of different things that I can do so I can stay home, eventually with our little one(s).  I know winning the lotto is out (we don't play), Art is not getting a second job, and I am not getting a second job.  I can not even say I would of went to school for something different, I just wish we would have had "old" money in one of our families or a lot of money from anywhere.  So I keep thinking.....one idea I have is to become an LLC and open our farm/animals to the elderly.  I would allow assisted living homes to bring residents out to the house and they could pet the horses, goats, chickens, Bell (therapy certified), and attend to the vegetable gardens (pick veggies to take back).  There are eggs to be collected (which they could purchase from us), goats to be milked (soap/goat cheese they could purchase), and veggies to picked (we would have some raised beds for them and if they pick they could take it), and the horses always love treats.  Is it a crazy idea, yes but I would really like to see what it would cost for insurance and then talk to some assisted living homes and see if they were interested.  They take the residents on field trips now so why not either the home could pay me or the residents.
If were going to spend the money to adopt our angel I really would love to try and figure some way to be home as much as I can with him/her.  So I continue to work and continue to think of ideas but for now back to work!

Reactions from the blog

So why did I start a blog, was it for others or was it for me.  In the short it is for me but the more I am talking to readers the more I see they are enjoying my posts.  I really enjoy the fact that there are followers and that people are sharing the blog to others, it will only spread the word and hopefully bring "our angel" home quicker.  I really appreciate all the readers and hope to only keep spreading the word and hopefully, sooner then later, have news of a little one coming home soon.
More and more people I know are getting pregnant, married less time then us and getting pregnant already, and some are on their second child and planning for their third already.  I am not saying that this is not great, I am just stating the obvious.  I swear just when I am going good and going on with my business/life it's like bam there is another pregnancy, yes I am whining right now.  I am whining because I am pissed, "oh we didn't plan it" or "we will just wing after the baby is here".  I mean come on, who really thinks this is fair?  It's not fair but neither is life, right?  I know this has happened for a reason to Art and I but it doesn't make it any easier.  At least if we were rich we could shop and travel to drowned our sorrows but nope can not even have that luxury.  This is definitely a downer blog and I don't know why I am not as depressed as I usually am but I just want to know why.  I want to know why we/Art is being punished.  I can understand me, I have not been/am no angel but Art, he is amazing.  He is the most hardworking, patient, compassionate, funny, loving man I know.  He truly will be the best Father a child could ever have and that is something no one can deny.  God I really love my husband and wish this was so much easier.
 So as I am writing this blog and getting a little more upset/sad a coworker saw my book and we chatted about adoption.  She adopted both her children, she was on the list for 8 years.  She went further to say she knew the exact day that her first adopted child was conceived.  Is it crazy or a Mother's intuition?  We talked about the wait and friends getting pregnant and she said something I will never forget.  As our friends are having children now and as we wait think of the younger friends we will have because we will have our children later then our friends now, she said it sure keeps you young......oh Pat you are too funny!

Busy is not Always Enough

Well it has been a couple days since I have blogged and I apologize. We had a little excitement in the adoption front, well we thought we did. Through a family member's friend's family (that's how it can happen, someone knows someone) there were 2 little boys being placed for adoption in Canada but as you can see it did not work out.
I compare the emotion to a woman finding out she's pregnant and then she miscarried. I know a little dramatic but think about it. The excitement of finding out your pregnant and seeing/hearing there is a possible child(ren) is the same high a woman can feel. You start feeling all these emotions and planning your little one's nursery/bedroom and future, lol. Pregnant women talk to their Doctors and adoptive parents are talking to their social worker and maybe the potential adoptee's social worker. Maternal instincts are kicking in, both pregnant and adoptive parents. As a pregnant woman's preparing her body an adoptive Mother is getting paperwork prepared, Doctors lined up, house preparations (kid ready), legal paperwork, and maybe planning a welcome home party. Neither a pregnant women or potential adoptive parent can see or feel the child but feels an instant connection then there is the miscarriage/loss of the child(ren).
So we have had our third loss, two different families.
We have been trying to stay busy with 4-H, football, animals, my career change, and possibly more school. Think that is enough to keep us busy? Still have quiet thinking time at night, even a few minutes.
So we keep praying, keep searching, keep communicating, and keep hoping that our angel(s) will find us and soon. I want to feel the excitement of knowing our angel(s) are coming home and for real to stay. I want to share the news and talk about our angel(s) coming home to everyone. So we continue the roller coaster of emotions; happiness, sadness, and anxiety.

Pictures from around the Farm

Family

Well it's raining here and chores are done. The roosters are crowing, their confused and wondering where is the sunshine. The sunshine is praised by the roosters (crowing), invites the animals out of the barn, and makes people smile just like family does. Yes I am comparing family to sunshine, without either one life would be deeply depressing, maybe it's just my family that is like that but I wouldn't want any other way.
My family and Art's have been absolutely amazing through our adoption process. I have two older brothers and sometimes emotions are not their best attributes but just like when I was little they still try to protect their little sister and although words are not overly expressed there are simple phone calls, texts, emails, and visits. My Mother and Step Father have been tremendous in support, my Mom and I talk almost daily and have seen each other more this past year then ever before. See my Dad is the only one that lives right by me, the rest of the family is downstate. We still see them more than a lot of families see each other which is amazing! I have the absolute best in-laws ever, my in-laws are always there for us and are very loving.
I am jealous of our adoptive child (joking, lol) because they are going to have the best family of Grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Even our extended family on both sides is anticipating our little angel. It is amazing to see how everyone has rallied around us, helping us try to locate a birthmother, and always available to talk.
Without family we would not be here but family is not blood, family is love. Family will always be there for each other, will accept you, will defend you, and will give you a hug whenever needed. I can not wait for our little one to feel the sense of family that we have to offer. I can not wait for the first time they smile at us, say "Mom", "Dad", "Grandma", "Grandpa", and "I love you".
So as it is still raining I think I am going to call my Mom because she will bring me sunshine on this gloomy day!

The wait

So since March we have been on the official list so we wait. We wait through friend pregnancies, through seasons, through animals (lol), through festivals, through books, through forums, the "we are praying for you", and the "maybe now since your not thinking about it you will become pregnant".
If you are praying please pray that I (not Art, he has patience) may have enough patience and courage to keep moving forward and that "our baby angel" will fund us sooner then later.
I am a strong believer in miracles but I also believe that if I didn't have bad luck I would have no luck. Nothing has came easy for Art and I and I whole heartily believe this also will not come easy to us. From finding a house, my career, our friendships, our weight, our money, and my family issues. I am not complaining but stating how we feel/the facts. Everything happens for a reason and if it's meant to be it will be!
But just so everyone knows this is for real, this is happening. We are legitimately waiting to be placed with our child. Our first choice is adoption, the Doctors (yes Doctors) have said that we are infertile and we have been trying to conceive for 2 years so yes miracles can happen but let's be realistic. Art and I are so excited about our decision and for "our baby"!
Right now I am reading "You Can Adopt" by Susan Caughman & Isolde Motley and it truly is empowering me and solidifying our decision and making this journey that much more exciting and well worth it!
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."

Agencies

So how did we choose our adoption agency? How many are there where we live?
We chose Child and Family Services of Northwest Michigan, a local non-profit agency that has been open since 1937. Not only do they do domestic infant adoptions but also foster to adopt programs, birth mother counseling, continuous references and counseling post placement, and other community programs that help children (safe haven, etc). Their counselor's were black and white, at first no we are not accepting new prospective adoption parents and no we do know when. They had our answers and were sharp, no beating around the bush. It was a few months until we received the call that they were holding an orientation and after your classes ($) then you may start the paperwork ($), and then cane the homestudy ($).
There were only 5 other couples in our classes, alright small pool of prospects. I just found out the pool has grown to 11, not feeling fantastic about that. I don't like that they have brought in more couples when none of us have been placed yet, more couples = more money for the agency. Unfortunately all agencies are still businesses and all businesses still want/need money.
I e-mail our social worker/counselor about once a week and I don't know why, I know she will contact me if anything develops but I think it is my insecurity that I want to make sure she has not forgotten us. I know she hasn't forgotten but I like to just reassure myself.
So we continue to wait and wait, I ask myself if there are not any birthmothers what is the infant social worker doing? Is she out advocating? Is she out at these schools where I hear there are pregnant teens? How about the local colleges? I know we can bring our own birthmother but really that is not my job, if it were I would be a social worker at an adoption agency and I wouldn't need an agency I could use a lawyer.
How many questions/emails can I ask/send before I tick off/aggravate the social worker/agency. If I tick them off then it only delays us more and punishes my husband. At the same time I think to myself, they are suppose to be working for us?

Birthmothers

So who are these gift giving selfless women who decide to give their beautiful babies up? These women are the strongest most loving of all women. They decide when they can not provide for this infant that they would hand pick a couple (hopefully us) to love, raise, support, and nurture their child (and maybe spoil, lol). They allow an infertile couple to have a family and for this child to have maybe everything they would have wanted if the circumstances were different.
This isn't just the stereotypical teenager, thus could easily be that young woman in college that wants to become a Doctor or lawyer or entrepreneur that doesn't think raising a child maybe by herself would be the best time but doesn't want to terminate. What about that woman in her thirties that thought the man was going to stick around and leaves half way through her pregnancy and she is already working two jobs to make ends meet, that also could be our birth mother.
These women are everywhere and could be anyone, no judgement just pure love for their child and to give a couple the most precious gift of their lives.

Paperwork

So from the beginning there was a lot of work, paperwork that is. Both Art and I typed out an autobiography and they were a minimum of 10 pages, answering very broad questions to very detailed emotions/personal information. The autobiography was the beginning, we also needed physicals, bloodwork, finance info, health insurance info, letters of recommendation, and our family tree/info.
Needless to say we were exhausted! We pumped all of it out in a week, staying up until 2 am some nights, I thought quicker on the list maybe the quicker we could be placed. Not the case I am finding out.
So now we need to submit a picture book, a book that the potential birth mothers look at and determine which couples she would like to meet face to face, no pressure right? I mean this is it, this is how she chooses whom she wants to pick. There are a million things going through my head, family, house, trips, animals, and each other. I am thinking not to much travel stuff I don't want her to think we are never home, not to much on the animals because I don't want her to think I will not have time, but I don't want her to think we just sit at home?!?!?! So many factors and not s lot of direction. But I did it, in 36 hours straight at a scrapbooking event and help from Art (loading/unloading my supplies and coffee) it became a masterpiece.
So the paper work is done, the scrapbook is done, and then came our homestudy.
Homestudy, what is that? A social worker cones to our home and spends approximately 4 hours at our house with us in our environment and then with our information submitted and her visit info writes up a ~15 page report. We were in a tizzy that day she was coming, preparing all week for arrival. We had to be prepared to be judged, what if our decorating style was to much, what if she hated animals, what if dog hair offended her, we have one close neighbor and what if that bothered her......thank goodness our social worker was amazing and complimented my style and loved the dogs, that was a relief.
The whole process is so uneasy and you really start to think. So many people just have children easily and here we are trying everything in our power to please and be perfect because the perception our social worker gives to the birth mother could mean the difference between a baby or not.

Little Background

My husband (Art) and I met just over five years ago and have been married just over three years. We both graduated from Grand Valley State University and I went to Baker College to receive my Associates in Veterinary Technology. So with both of secured in our jobs and into our second home with a lot of work done (are house improvements really ever done, lol) we thought about starting a family.
After many months of unsuccessful conception we visited Doctors and were determined infertile. So our first choice with this news was adoption. We decided that our first adoption would be a local domestic adoption. After much research and meetings we chose our agency and began the rigorous paperwork.
So now we are waiting, on the list 6 months. On the list with 10 other couples with only few and far in-between birth mothers.

Future Topics:
Paperwork
Birthmothers
Agencies
The wait
Friend Pregnancies
Family Support

6 months and waiting for our little angel!

Beginning

Well this is the first post of hopefully many. Started a blog to express my emotions and feelings while awaiting for our little angel to find us, we (my husband and I) are waiting to be chosen as parents by a birth mother. We have been on the waiting list for 6 months and I (Michele) have had a harder time waiting and love to talk so I thought I would give this a try.