Christmas time is coming soon....

I am in a funk, I can not get the energy up to decorate for Christmas.  My husband doesn't want to get a big tree this year because of what happened last year and his back can't handle it.  I love Christmas, I love the carols, lights, family time, get togethers, snow, and the presents.  I also love that it is a time for children, children we do not have and so thought by this time last year we would have.  Every thing and every where I look reminds me of children and families.  Whether it be the matching sweater Christmas cards, the commercials where the kids are excited around the tree waiting for Mom and Dad to get their coffee, and/or seeing all the kids with Santa.  Kids truly remind us of the magic of the season, although Jesus really is the reason for the season.  I do not know why it is so hard for us because we have never had kids before and we have so much to be thankful for.  I think it goes back to last year when we really thought by this Christmas we would have a baby.  Last year we had just received the news of our infertility and then the tree fell, the tree fell with all of our beautiful ornaments.  The ornaments that came in a set from our wedding that as a tradition we placed on the tree while reading what each ornament stood for.  So between our bad news about not being able to naturally start a family and the tree I just lost it, I fell to my knees and was just balling.  It was liberating!  We cleaned up the mess and put the tree back up with a much stronger tree stand.  So what got me through last year was thought that maybe by this year we would have a baby or atleast heard something.
Growing up family was important to me and we were a close family, I want that.  I think that is why I am so focused on having a family because I want that and there is so much love between not only Art and I but also our families for children.  I want our children to know their Grandparents and it scares me with not knowing when we will be blessed and placed with children.  It honestly scares me that I do not know when, will it be months or years.  I am not going to stop living but at the same time do not feel alive.