Chaotic

I had a spectacular time downstate this past weekend, I am still tired but so happy I went.  I have no idea what I would do if I did not have such great friends and family.  I am so happy Art was able to spend time with his long lost friend and go back to being a happy go lucky guy.  Things do change, people do grow, and friendships (true friends) just roll with it/evolve.  "We will be friends until we are old and senile then we will be new friends"

While I was away and my phenomenal husband was home taking care of my animals I really realized that he truly is my best friend.  We love enough to always be honest, trustworthy, and reliable.  Our love for one another is everything, all the other stuff is just that stuff and we can deal with that.  

It is already November, which starts the chaos of Holidays and Birthdays.  My Birthday is November 15th, Thanksgiving, then December which brings Art's big 30th Birthday and of course Christmas.  November also marks 8 months officially on the adoption waiting list with absolutely not one call.  Then comes December the 9th month we have been waiting, if we were able to get pregnant it could have been our due date month but moving on.  The problem is that all I want to do is spend time with Art but when I am with him I am constantly reminded that it is just us and that there is something missing, our angel.  I hate this feeling.  If we lay there cuddling I think "one day our angel could be laying with us" or when were at the mall walking around I think "one day we could be pushing our angel around in a stroller together".  There is nothing wrong with just "us" time and yes I am more in love with my husband now then ever but at the same time it starts eating at you when both of us want the same thing to expand our family.  I mean honestly how many more organizations can we be involved in?  We have enough to occupy us but it is still always right there and then when we are on a stretch of waiting patiently some event will happen and it stirs our emotions up.  Maybe the emotional stirring is actually a good think, it makes us realize we still really do care and definitely still want our own family.  

I fell very negative all the time but until we we receive our angel I feel like there really is something missing.  I feel lost now, I am so up and down I could scream.  Are we doing the right thing trying to adopt an infant?  Are we suppose to try and do foster to adopt?  Are we suppose to not have any children?  I pray but there is no answer and I wait but still nothing........