I imagine....

Sometimes when I have a hard time sleeping I think about our child as if we had given birth ourselves and from the time we started to trying to conceive until now.  Art and I started trying to conceive November 2009 so "our child" could have been born September 2010.  He/she would be just over a year now and celebrated their second Christmas.  So much would have changed.  There probably would have been no Enja, no horse barn built, horses at home, probably not even any goats, and no rabbits.  I do not even know if I would have switched jobs, I may have just sold my car and got a simple cell phone and maybe just stayed home or work just part time.  There is no way I would have became a Big Sister for Big Brother/Big Sister and probably no Sunshine Acres.  It really makes me think what would have not happened in our lives and that makes me realize that God does have a plan.  He knows what he is doing and we have to trust him and give him our hearts and let our faith guide us.  Don't get me wrong I had many great thoughts and ideas with this fictional baby.  How great the holidays were and summer fun outside in the garden and spending time with friends and family.  It just made me think how full our life is with the animals and our volunteer work and that we feel a sense of fulfillment by our time volunteering.  I can not wait until the day we have a family but God knows we have a ways to go to be financially, educationally, and career wise before a baby and/or kids enter our lives.  I know you are never financially prepared for kids but maybe God has other plans and we have to just trust him t guide us.....As the New Year approaches I want to be more positive and fill this void with prayer, church, and more service because we all know that once this baby and/or children come that there may not be as much time to do it as I would like.

Is December almost over?

Is this new year almost here?  I am ready to put this year in the past, just another year without our family.  You know this would not be an issue at all if Art and I had the attitude that if "it happens, it happens" or if we were like we do not want kids but were not.  Were ready, our lives are ready.  We are ready to have that Christmas morning, Christmas mass, Christmas with our families, Christmas caroling, visiting Santa, and Christmas crafts.  We are ready for New Years Eve at home playing Wii and going sledding.  We are ready to curl up on the couch at night with our kids watching movies while it is snowing.  We are ready!
I come up with every idea in the book to do something else.  I am going to volunteer more (check), I am going to bake more (check), I am going to spend time with family and friends (check), I am going to actually find a career (check), I am actually going to try a new business idea (check), so now what.  Everyone says enjoy your animals, I do, or enjoy your husband, I do, or enjoy family, I do, I want to do all of this with our kids.  Our friends and family (not their fault) either have kids and we do things with kids or non kid friends we go to the bar.  As much as I love going out to the bar I want to have "play dates" and "over nights".  I dwell on the fact that we do not have kids also in fear that I do not want anyone to think that we have stopped wanting kids. 
There is this lady I know that wants nothing more to retire but she can not so instead she works and works.  She works but at the same time talks about retiring and how others retire and live in lavish houses and so phenomenol things.  There is another person I know that all they want to do is go fishing and they talk about it all the time, have the gear to do it, and still never go but they talk about it.  No matter what it is if you want something you will talk about it and dwell on it.  I know my child(ren) are out there but the waiting is getting worse. 

10 months

Written by Jeanette DeMain....A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, my husband and I spent several years navigating the rather surreal world of infertility. Tubes were checked, sperm were counted, hormone levels were graphed, ovulation tester sticks were peed upon, and powerful drugs were taken, both orally and by injection. You know you've hit rock bottom when you say with great weariness, "Honey, we have to have sex tonight," and you both approach it as some kind of grim chore, not much more pleasant than cleaning out the litter box.

Still, that was better than lying on a table under fluorescent lights, feet in stirrups, trying to think pleasant thoughts as a catheter containing the sperm that was deposited into a cup is inserted into your uterus in hopes that it will penetrate one of the recalcitrant eggs that your drugged-up, grapefruit-sized ovaries have been tricked into producing with the help of the above-mentioned drugs. (Hell, can't I even have a glass of wine first?)

Then there was the waiting. A couple of weeks of grossly inflated hopes, trying to convince yourself that this one would be the one that "took". But it just never was.

With the passage of a lot of time and a lot of soul searching, I eventually made my way through it. I was also helped immensely by a book that I felt at the time must have been written just for me: Sweet Grapes: How To Stop Being Infertile and Start Living Again by Jean W. Carter and Michael Carter. However, I'm not going to recommend this book to anyone, as doing that would probably have to be added to my list below. I found it on my own when I was ready, and I trust that other people will do the same.

After I put the finishing touches on this blog, I googled the phrase "things not to say to an infertile person", and I found several other lists with many similarities to mine. That made me feel confident that I'm not making this stuff up or exaggerating. These were all things that were said directly to me, in person or online.

So here, in no particular order, are:

The Top Ten Things Not To Say To Someone Experiencing Infertility

(with bonus pithy commentary)

(1) You need to relax!

The fact that rape victims can get pregnant puts this one to rest pretty quickly. I can't think of too many situations that are more stressful than that.

Of course, I was experiencing anxiety over this, but telling me that I need to relax sounds like you're blaming me. Infertility is a kind of illness, a malfunction of one of the body's systems, so please treat it that way. You wouldn't tell a cancer patient that she'll get well if she will "relax", would you?

(2) You should just adopt!

Adoption? Why, I've never heard of that! You say you can pay thousands and thousands of dollars, have every aspect of your life scrutinized, get put on a potentially years-long waiting list, and then possibly have the biological parent change her mind? Sign me up!

Seriously, though, this one really irks me. After two miscarriages and several years of infertility testing and treatment, we were tapped out physically, emotionally and financially.

It's not just some kind of checklist you go through

Try naturally: Check.
Go through testing: Check.
Clomid and timed intercourse: Check.
Injectables and IUI: Check.
IVF: Check.
Adoption: Check.
and only when you complete the checklist are you allowed to grieve your inability to have a child. No. No matter where you stop, you're still allowed to grieve.

After spending years trying to become pregnant, considering adoption is a complete switching of gears, and it's just not always possible to do that. Sometimes you just want it all to be over.

The fact that we didn't adopt doesn't mean that we really didn't want children enough. We decided to start a family for the same reasons most people do - we wanted to create a being that was a part of us. Is it selfish? Of course it is. But so what? Most people don't have to think twice about that.

Anyway, it is not the responsibility of infertile couples to take in all the unwanted children of the world. I am in awe of those who have chosen this path, but my heart just wasn't in it. I don't think one should do it under those circumstances. That doesn't seem terribly fair to anyone, especially the child.

And I wonder if couples who already have one or two of their own biological children and are considering having another ever have this suggested in such a dismissive way. After all, if anyone should consider adoption, it should be those who have already been blessed, right?

Look, it's just a very personal decision, and it's not the "answer" to every couple's infertility problem, nor is it the solution to world hunger and poverty.

(3) You want kids? Please, take mine!

Oh, I get it. Raising kids is hard! Thanks, but I think I already knew this. And besides, I don't want your kids. They're funny looking and rude (I'm kidding - your children are adorable). Also, you don't really mean this. You're just trying to be cute, and you're not succeeding.

(4) There's probably a reason for it.

Like, maybe, my child iss going to be the next Hitler or Manson? Something like that?

I do actually know the reason for one of my miscarriages. It was an abnormality resulting in a fetus with a genetic makeup that was "incompatible with life". (That's exactly the way it was phrased in the report. I find it kind of strangely poetic.) But, what was the reason behind that? It's simple: there is no reason for these things.

Would you ever tell a parent with a severely deformed child that there was a reason for it?

Sometimes bad stuff just happens, and that's that. At least that's the way I look at things. Please respect that.

(5) Oh, you're still young. It'll happen.

I'm not that young and how do you know it'll happen?

You are not clairvoyant. Don't give me false hope based on nothing more than your need to be "supportive".

(6) My cousin adopted a baby, and then one year later, boom, she was pregnant!

Well that's certainly a good reason to adopt, isn't it? I'm also pretty sure this doesn't always work. I can just hear the discussion now...

Joey: Mom and Dad, why did you adopt me?

Mom and Dad: Well, we really thought that, if we adopted a baby, then we'd get pregnant.

Joey: But I don't have a brother or a sister. So it didn't work, right?

Mom and Dad: No it didn't. But we've got you. And you're the next best thing! (Joey is now in therapy.)

(7) Have you tried accupuncture - meditation - standing on your head after sex, etc.?

Certainly not all at the same time! But, yes, believe me, we explored just about every avenue, be it based on medical science or on an old wives tale. We even went to a Chinese herbalist, who kept talking about "the house of the baby" (I assume he was referring to my uterus), and I spent two weeks drinking some sort of dark brown liquid twice a day that tasted like a combination of tree bark and liver. It made me want to throw up, which is the closest to pregnant I got with it!

(8) I wish I had that problem!

So you're...what? Hyperfertile? There are things you can take for that, you know. Now please go away before your water breaks on my carpet.

(9) There are too many people in the world anyway.

Thank you Mr. Malthus! I fully realize this, and I promise that, if I'm lucky enough to have one, I'll immediately kill myself so it'll all even out.

Besides, you should be talking to the Duggar family. They live in Tontitown, Arkansas, and they probably have their own page in the phone book.

(10) I think that people who have infertility treatments are selfish.

I am actually torn on this one. I did think it was kind of selfish when I was going through it. Selfish for me - I'd never judge someone else for it. It was also incredibly expensive and mostly not covered by insurance. I know that medical resources are a finite commodity, so, yes, I was conflicted. I went as far as considering IVF, but took one look at the procedure and knew that I just couldn't go through with it.

But is it only the treatment that's selfish, or the desire for a child in the first place? Frankly, I thought they were both selfish (again, for me), but it seems like it's only the infertile person who is "lucky" enough to hear this one.

In situations like this, here's a good rule of thumb: Not every opinion that is in your head needs to be voiced.

I know that people want to help, they want to be encouraging, and they want to say something. I truly appreciate all of the people who listened, who cared, who prayed, and who felt some empathy with us. I don't believe that any of the inappropriate things people may have said were said with malice or out of spite. And believe me, I'm not perfect either, so I learned from my own "foot-in-mouth" experiences what not to say to other people going through this. The same principles can be applied to any other situation where someone is suffering and you want to say something. Acknowledge the pain, offer your support, and express your hope that things will get better.

If someone shares their infertility issues with you, I think the best thing to say is something like this, "I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it's difficult, and I hope things work out for you. Let me know if there's anything I can do."

And if any of you now reading this are going through it, that is what I want to say to you.

Christmas time is coming soon....

I am in a funk, I can not get the energy up to decorate for Christmas.  My husband doesn't want to get a big tree this year because of what happened last year and his back can't handle it.  I love Christmas, I love the carols, lights, family time, get togethers, snow, and the presents.  I also love that it is a time for children, children we do not have and so thought by this time last year we would have.  Every thing and every where I look reminds me of children and families.  Whether it be the matching sweater Christmas cards, the commercials where the kids are excited around the tree waiting for Mom and Dad to get their coffee, and/or seeing all the kids with Santa.  Kids truly remind us of the magic of the season, although Jesus really is the reason for the season.  I do not know why it is so hard for us because we have never had kids before and we have so much to be thankful for.  I think it goes back to last year when we really thought by this Christmas we would have a baby.  Last year we had just received the news of our infertility and then the tree fell, the tree fell with all of our beautiful ornaments.  The ornaments that came in a set from our wedding that as a tradition we placed on the tree while reading what each ornament stood for.  So between our bad news about not being able to naturally start a family and the tree I just lost it, I fell to my knees and was just balling.  It was liberating!  We cleaned up the mess and put the tree back up with a much stronger tree stand.  So what got me through last year was thought that maybe by this year we would have a baby or atleast heard something.
Growing up family was important to me and we were a close family, I want that.  I think that is why I am so focused on having a family because I want that and there is so much love between not only Art and I but also our families for children.  I want our children to know their Grandparents and it scares me with not knowing when we will be blessed and placed with children.  It honestly scares me that I do not know when, will it be months or years.  I am not going to stop living but at the same time do not feel alive.