Foster Home Visit

So we had our first foster home visit, there will be two more max.  So as we did for the infant adoption homestudy we were running around like crazy trying to clean up and organize the house.  One thing I do have to say is that there is much less stress involved with this homestudy then the infant adoption program.  Art and I feel so much more comfortable and in sync with the whole adopt from foster care idea.  With the infant adoption program I feel like we were expected to "impress" the birthmother.  For example we received a phone call from the agency saying that there were 2 birthmothers that came in and chose couples to interview.  There are 11 prospective adoptive couples in our pool and we were first on this new list.  Out of the 11 couples, there were 6 couples chosen to be interviewed, we were not one of them.  So I asked why, our social worker said because the one birthmother said that our daycare situation was too complicated and seemed like the baby would always be in daycare.  The other birthmother did not like that we did not have our infertility sob story in our book.  First of all if our social worker knew anything about us she would have known our child would never have been in daycare until he/she was old enough and by choice.  Second of all I did my book the exact way the "14 year veteran" social worker told us to do it and she said to keep it light and fun.  Once we captured the birthmother's attention we would have met them and explained face to face "our story".  I was just shocked the day we received this news.  Art was in the hospital for his back and then we received the giant "you suck" phone call from our agency.  I was extremely hard on my self about it because I put the book together, I honestly have never worked on anything that hard in my entire life.  I was devastated.  So I picked up the book from our great social worker and brought it home changed the wording under the daycare proportion and have not added our so story or returned the book yet, it has been 2 1/2 weeks.  I don't know if I want to return the book, Art doesn't care because he really likes the adopt from foster care idea much better.
The children from foster care ultimately want to be reunited with their families but in some circumstances that does not happen and then they really want a home and family.  Art and I are really looking to bring children into our home and have a family.  We know it will not be easy but either is raising a baby and the unknown physical and/or mental genetic disabilities that could occur.  With adoption from foster care we would know ahead of time and the resources are available right at our agency office.  Adopting from foster care we would not have to "impress" the children, we would just need love, patience, support, and compassion.  Right now we are still on the infant adoption program, we can dual enroll because the infant program we paid for everything and the Michigan foster licensing takes awhile and they do not care if you are on both.  We still have classes to take (January), paperwork to fill out, autobiographies (16 pages each), things to fix at the house (minor changes), finger printing, physicals, references, state approval & license number assigned, and more home visits.  We will see where our journey takes us?????????????????????

Thanksgiving

As the Holidays are starting to roll around, the first one of the season is Thanksgiving. I have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful to be married to such a wonderful man that loves me, I am thankful to have a great and loving family, I am thankful for the few great friends that I have, I am thankful for the healthy and great kids of my 4H group, and I am thankful for the animals in my life that bring me so much joy. I can not stop thinking that it has been two years since we began trying to have children and a year since being diagnosed infertile. This will be the third Thanksgiving I say "hopefully next year I can say I am thankful and blessed by my child(ren)". See what people do not always understand is that yes we have only been on the "official adoption list" for 8 (now closer to 9 months) but we have been trying to have children for 2 years with absolutely no success. So with having so much to be thankful for I am still yearning for more...

Church

Wow are we ever torn, which church to attend.  We both really want to return to church/worship and right when last week I thought I had it figured out I was again right where I started.  Art and I really want to return to church together and give thanks for what we have and place our worries to God, we want some place to call "our church".  We thought we had found "our church" at Westside Community when we were first dating and married but there was a series of events that took place that took us away from Westside.  One event was going on a mission trip to Africa that we were asked at Sam's Club, of all places, not to go on the trip because we lived together before marriage.  Well that is fine but should have done that in the beginning and you should have gotten to know us and why we lived together before marriage.  You should not have let us start fundraising and prepping for passports and inviting us to your house and reading scripture together.  Another thing was when we expressed our concerns no one stood up for us.  Again no one wanted to hear our opinion it was just either brushed under the rug and that told us that they sided with the people running the mission trip and not us.  Please do not pretend to be our friends and then not stand beside us....
Then after Westside we went through our infertility issues and choosing an adoption agency and I wanted to return to my faith growing up as Catholic.  After attending mass a few times, feeling a little pressure from the Deacon to have Art join, and not feeling home we chose not to attend mass anymore and/or St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
I know that no matter where we go no one is perfect, especially us, but do not pretend.  Either tell us how it is or just smile, say hello, and move on.  We need some place to just pray, be accepted, and listen to the good word.  This past Sunday we received a text message from Art's cousin saying that Westside was having "adoption Sunday" which explains about adoption and the need in our community so we are like maybe we should give Westside another chance, we really do miss Pastor John at Westside.  Then same afternoon we have a delivery from Art's parents of our Advent kit from  St. Patrick's.  I felt like both were a sign, we have not heard anything from either church and then all of a sudden we hear from both churches.
So we pray, pray for a sign to know where we should attend.  Where we will not be judged but people want to know who we are.  Where God is number one and politics is second, is there a place like that?

Headache

What a busy day today was and it went by quick.  Had a hair appointment, errands, 4-H Pampered Chef Fundraiser meeting, large animal veterinarian out for physicals, Spencer staying the night at the house, and then work.  Where did Friday go?  While the hustle and bustle of the day was around I couldn't help but think I have had a headache for a week now, my face is broke out, and I swear I could sleep all day everyday.  I am stressed out, I am weak.  I think to myself hey this is nothing girl wait until you have kids on top of everything else!  Kids, what a concept.  Why is it that here we are excited about exploring a new option of adopt from foster care and first thing people say is "well just remember they have problems that's why their in foster care".  First of all their parents had problems, tell me how to help with these problems, and all children can have problems both physical and emotional.  Look at the whole picture and if you do not have anything nice to say (since we have enough disappointment) then do not say anything.  I know these kids will probably need more "attention" then maybe a newborn but starting to realize maybe that is not an option.  Instead of saying they come with "problems" or "junk" maybe say they will need more love and affection or attention but when these are my kids do not tell me they have problems, their obstacles and let me know how you are going to help or support and not judge.  Now I have a bigger headache!

Surviving

"Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react."  Well last week was a rough week.  My Dad was in the hospital, on my floor, in the beginning of the week and my husband was in the hospital, on my floor, at the end of the week.  My Dad was in for yet another spontantenous infection and my husband for back problems.  I was instantly reminded why I work on the floor I work on at Munson, the care my boys received was beyond my imagination.  The professionalism, attitude, and compassion was absolutely appreciated.  Unfortunately I was still a basket case and not my chipper self.  Worried about the health of my boys, lack of sleep, taking care of the farm by self, and my birthday weekend plans crushed. 

On top of all this we received an e-mail from the adoption agency.  Not one but two birthmothers came in to Child and Family Services and we were not chosen to be one of the couples to be interviewed, the birthmothers choose three couples out of the potential adoptive couple pool at the agency to interview.  There are only 11 couples in our pool and 6 out 11 couples were chosen to interview and guess what we were not one of them.  So we read and called our worker and asked why?  She said one of the birthmothers said it sounded like the baby would in daycare all the time and the other because we did not have our infertility sob story typed out for her to read.  I was just empty, I didn't know what to say or do so as I was in the hospital room with my husband I just lost it want started crying.  I had nothing left, really the week just had hit rock bottom at that point.  So Art and I dissected what the feedback was and decided that I would redo the daycare arrangements answer and about the sob stroy of infertility, I am still up in the air on writing that out.  When we talked to the worker I told her I did the book the first time the way she wanted/reccommended, I mean she has been doing this for 14 years.  I mean I have honestly never worked on anything that hard in my entire life and now yet again it was not good enough.  Is anything good enough that I do?  Why even try?  I just throw my hands up.  I have nothing left.  I have an injured husband, a sick father, and now a broken heart.  

Do we stay, do we go, do we dual enroll

Well Art and I went to the Child and Family Services Foster Program Orientation.  What did we learn?  The government wastes a lot of money, there is a lot of work to become foster licensed, yes you have to be foster licensed in order to adopt, and there will still be a lengthily waiting period.  We are now officially more confused then ever.  We have been on the list 8 months for domestic infant adoption and only have had more couples added to the pool and no babies/no calls for babies.  If we were to adopt an infant I believe in the future we would adopt an older sibling set where if we straight adopt a sibling set with a infant or toddler in the sibling set then we would have our instant family.  But with adopting from foster is it an instant family?  

The children may need behavioral counseling, they may resent us, they may hate us, they may ???????  There are so many questions.  So we turned in our interest form and we will go from there.  I know the domestic infant counselors want us to wait one year before changing programs but I feel like if we adopt from foster that we will be making a difference, something that Art and I do through volunteering with children now.  I don't want to look at my kids though as a service project, I don't think that will be an issue but what if?  An infant will always be able to find a home.  I can honestly say I have no idea what I am feeling.  Am I just impatient?  Am I meant to love a sibling set?  Am I suppose to dual enroll and see what happens?  

Chaotic

I had a spectacular time downstate this past weekend, I am still tired but so happy I went.  I have no idea what I would do if I did not have such great friends and family.  I am so happy Art was able to spend time with his long lost friend and go back to being a happy go lucky guy.  Things do change, people do grow, and friendships (true friends) just roll with it/evolve.  "We will be friends until we are old and senile then we will be new friends"

While I was away and my phenomenal husband was home taking care of my animals I really realized that he truly is my best friend.  We love enough to always be honest, trustworthy, and reliable.  Our love for one another is everything, all the other stuff is just that stuff and we can deal with that.  

It is already November, which starts the chaos of Holidays and Birthdays.  My Birthday is November 15th, Thanksgiving, then December which brings Art's big 30th Birthday and of course Christmas.  November also marks 8 months officially on the adoption waiting list with absolutely not one call.  Then comes December the 9th month we have been waiting, if we were able to get pregnant it could have been our due date month but moving on.  The problem is that all I want to do is spend time with Art but when I am with him I am constantly reminded that it is just us and that there is something missing, our angel.  I hate this feeling.  If we lay there cuddling I think "one day our angel could be laying with us" or when were at the mall walking around I think "one day we could be pushing our angel around in a stroller together".  There is nothing wrong with just "us" time and yes I am more in love with my husband now then ever but at the same time it starts eating at you when both of us want the same thing to expand our family.  I mean honestly how many more organizations can we be involved in?  We have enough to occupy us but it is still always right there and then when we are on a stretch of waiting patiently some event will happen and it stirs our emotions up.  Maybe the emotional stirring is actually a good think, it makes us realize we still really do care and definitely still want our own family.  

I fell very negative all the time but until we we receive our angel I feel like there really is something missing.  I feel lost now, I am so up and down I could scream.  Are we doing the right thing trying to adopt an infant?  Are we suppose to try and do foster to adopt?  Are we suppose to not have any children?  I pray but there is no answer and I wait but still nothing........