Long Day

So I worked Tuesday from 7a-3p and then again from 11p-7a, I did go home and sleep a little in between.  So I don't know if this hostility is from lack of sleep or if I am truly upset today, lol.  Sent the adoption social worker an e-mail and no change at the agency besides yipee our pool of prospective adoptive parents is now larger.  Art's old buddy is having his first baby today, or suppose to be.  I do not know why their pregnancy has bothered me so much.  As I think more and more about it I think it's because when I first met Art I really latched on to this other couple and the wife and I talked about being pregnant together and raising our kids together.  If we had boys what it would be like have these two auto freak husbands and how our kids would have jacked up big wheels and it one was a girl and the other a boy that they would probably always be together so they would probably end up getting married.  Then we started separating, the house I wanted they bought (not their fault, they didn't even know) and then we both started talking about starting families around the same time and they became pregnant.  It seemed they were always one step ahead and everything comes so easy.  Now as they embark onto their new family, we are the last one's in Art's group of friend's to start a family.  If that were by choice then this wouldn't even be an issue but of course we are and nothing.
Of course the immature wife I am I always take it out on my husband, it is not his fault were infertile.  It is actual no one's fault and when we have our little angel none of this will matter but for now it does.  For now I think about how I want my baby, how are we going to afford this baby (once our baby/babies are paid for it will be time for college), and we have no couple friends.  We have each other and I love my husband to death but sometimes you want to gossip, talk girl talk, and go get a pedicure....not happening.
So as my Mother always told me not to take the weight of the world (aka what's bothering me) and take it out on family I must learn to do that with my poor husband.  It's not his fault were not millionaires, can't have babies, and we have no friends.....I need to start looking at myself and see what I can do to change all of these especially before blaming anyone or making them think I am.

What a Great Day!

So Art had some friends out today to see the animals and ride the horse.  I can not wait to see the pictures.  It was amazing watching how excited those little guys were and how adventurous they were.  It made me think, what do I love.....besides God, country, family, and friends.  I love children, the elderly, and my animals.  I love my animals like they are my children, they are all amazing!  So I keep thinking of what I can do with these hobbies I love.  Bell (our Great Dane mix) and I went this past Saturday and took the test to have her certified as a therapy dog and canine good citizen and she passed with flying colors.  I keep thinking also of different things that I can do so I can stay home, eventually with our little one(s).  I know winning the lotto is out (we don't play), Art is not getting a second job, and I am not getting a second job.  I can not even say I would of went to school for something different, I just wish we would have had "old" money in one of our families or a lot of money from anywhere.  So I keep thinking.....one idea I have is to become an LLC and open our farm/animals to the elderly.  I would allow assisted living homes to bring residents out to the house and they could pet the horses, goats, chickens, Bell (therapy certified), and attend to the vegetable gardens (pick veggies to take back).  There are eggs to be collected (which they could purchase from us), goats to be milked (soap/goat cheese they could purchase), and veggies to picked (we would have some raised beds for them and if they pick they could take it), and the horses always love treats.  Is it a crazy idea, yes but I would really like to see what it would cost for insurance and then talk to some assisted living homes and see if they were interested.  They take the residents on field trips now so why not either the home could pay me or the residents.
If were going to spend the money to adopt our angel I really would love to try and figure some way to be home as much as I can with him/her.  So I continue to work and continue to think of ideas but for now back to work!

Reactions from the blog

So why did I start a blog, was it for others or was it for me.  In the short it is for me but the more I am talking to readers the more I see they are enjoying my posts.  I really enjoy the fact that there are followers and that people are sharing the blog to others, it will only spread the word and hopefully bring "our angel" home quicker.  I really appreciate all the readers and hope to only keep spreading the word and hopefully, sooner then later, have news of a little one coming home soon.
More and more people I know are getting pregnant, married less time then us and getting pregnant already, and some are on their second child and planning for their third already.  I am not saying that this is not great, I am just stating the obvious.  I swear just when I am going good and going on with my business/life it's like bam there is another pregnancy, yes I am whining right now.  I am whining because I am pissed, "oh we didn't plan it" or "we will just wing after the baby is here".  I mean come on, who really thinks this is fair?  It's not fair but neither is life, right?  I know this has happened for a reason to Art and I but it doesn't make it any easier.  At least if we were rich we could shop and travel to drowned our sorrows but nope can not even have that luxury.  This is definitely a downer blog and I don't know why I am not as depressed as I usually am but I just want to know why.  I want to know why we/Art is being punished.  I can understand me, I have not been/am no angel but Art, he is amazing.  He is the most hardworking, patient, compassionate, funny, loving man I know.  He truly will be the best Father a child could ever have and that is something no one can deny.  God I really love my husband and wish this was so much easier.
 So as I am writing this blog and getting a little more upset/sad a coworker saw my book and we chatted about adoption.  She adopted both her children, she was on the list for 8 years.  She went further to say she knew the exact day that her first adopted child was conceived.  Is it crazy or a Mother's intuition?  We talked about the wait and friends getting pregnant and she said something I will never forget.  As our friends are having children now and as we wait think of the younger friends we will have because we will have our children later then our friends now, she said it sure keeps you young......oh Pat you are too funny!

Busy is not Always Enough

Well it has been a couple days since I have blogged and I apologize. We had a little excitement in the adoption front, well we thought we did. Through a family member's friend's family (that's how it can happen, someone knows someone) there were 2 little boys being placed for adoption in Canada but as you can see it did not work out.
I compare the emotion to a woman finding out she's pregnant and then she miscarried. I know a little dramatic but think about it. The excitement of finding out your pregnant and seeing/hearing there is a possible child(ren) is the same high a woman can feel. You start feeling all these emotions and planning your little one's nursery/bedroom and future, lol. Pregnant women talk to their Doctors and adoptive parents are talking to their social worker and maybe the potential adoptee's social worker. Maternal instincts are kicking in, both pregnant and adoptive parents. As a pregnant woman's preparing her body an adoptive Mother is getting paperwork prepared, Doctors lined up, house preparations (kid ready), legal paperwork, and maybe planning a welcome home party. Neither a pregnant women or potential adoptive parent can see or feel the child but feels an instant connection then there is the miscarriage/loss of the child(ren).
So we have had our third loss, two different families.
We have been trying to stay busy with 4-H, football, animals, my career change, and possibly more school. Think that is enough to keep us busy? Still have quiet thinking time at night, even a few minutes.
So we keep praying, keep searching, keep communicating, and keep hoping that our angel(s) will find us and soon. I want to feel the excitement of knowing our angel(s) are coming home and for real to stay. I want to share the news and talk about our angel(s) coming home to everyone. So we continue the roller coaster of emotions; happiness, sadness, and anxiety.

Pictures from around the Farm

Family

Well it's raining here and chores are done. The roosters are crowing, their confused and wondering where is the sunshine. The sunshine is praised by the roosters (crowing), invites the animals out of the barn, and makes people smile just like family does. Yes I am comparing family to sunshine, without either one life would be deeply depressing, maybe it's just my family that is like that but I wouldn't want any other way.
My family and Art's have been absolutely amazing through our adoption process. I have two older brothers and sometimes emotions are not their best attributes but just like when I was little they still try to protect their little sister and although words are not overly expressed there are simple phone calls, texts, emails, and visits. My Mother and Step Father have been tremendous in support, my Mom and I talk almost daily and have seen each other more this past year then ever before. See my Dad is the only one that lives right by me, the rest of the family is downstate. We still see them more than a lot of families see each other which is amazing! I have the absolute best in-laws ever, my in-laws are always there for us and are very loving.
I am jealous of our adoptive child (joking, lol) because they are going to have the best family of Grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Even our extended family on both sides is anticipating our little angel. It is amazing to see how everyone has rallied around us, helping us try to locate a birthmother, and always available to talk.
Without family we would not be here but family is not blood, family is love. Family will always be there for each other, will accept you, will defend you, and will give you a hug whenever needed. I can not wait for our little one to feel the sense of family that we have to offer. I can not wait for the first time they smile at us, say "Mom", "Dad", "Grandma", "Grandpa", and "I love you".
So as it is still raining I think I am going to call my Mom because she will bring me sunshine on this gloomy day!

The wait

So since March we have been on the official list so we wait. We wait through friend pregnancies, through seasons, through animals (lol), through festivals, through books, through forums, the "we are praying for you", and the "maybe now since your not thinking about it you will become pregnant".
If you are praying please pray that I (not Art, he has patience) may have enough patience and courage to keep moving forward and that "our baby angel" will fund us sooner then later.
I am a strong believer in miracles but I also believe that if I didn't have bad luck I would have no luck. Nothing has came easy for Art and I and I whole heartily believe this also will not come easy to us. From finding a house, my career, our friendships, our weight, our money, and my family issues. I am not complaining but stating how we feel/the facts. Everything happens for a reason and if it's meant to be it will be!
But just so everyone knows this is for real, this is happening. We are legitimately waiting to be placed with our child. Our first choice is adoption, the Doctors (yes Doctors) have said that we are infertile and we have been trying to conceive for 2 years so yes miracles can happen but let's be realistic. Art and I are so excited about our decision and for "our baby"!
Right now I am reading "You Can Adopt" by Susan Caughman & Isolde Motley and it truly is empowering me and solidifying our decision and making this journey that much more exciting and well worth it!
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."

Agencies

So how did we choose our adoption agency? How many are there where we live?
We chose Child and Family Services of Northwest Michigan, a local non-profit agency that has been open since 1937. Not only do they do domestic infant adoptions but also foster to adopt programs, birth mother counseling, continuous references and counseling post placement, and other community programs that help children (safe haven, etc). Their counselor's were black and white, at first no we are not accepting new prospective adoption parents and no we do know when. They had our answers and were sharp, no beating around the bush. It was a few months until we received the call that they were holding an orientation and after your classes ($) then you may start the paperwork ($), and then cane the homestudy ($).
There were only 5 other couples in our classes, alright small pool of prospects. I just found out the pool has grown to 11, not feeling fantastic about that. I don't like that they have brought in more couples when none of us have been placed yet, more couples = more money for the agency. Unfortunately all agencies are still businesses and all businesses still want/need money.
I e-mail our social worker/counselor about once a week and I don't know why, I know she will contact me if anything develops but I think it is my insecurity that I want to make sure she has not forgotten us. I know she hasn't forgotten but I like to just reassure myself.
So we continue to wait and wait, I ask myself if there are not any birthmothers what is the infant social worker doing? Is she out advocating? Is she out at these schools where I hear there are pregnant teens? How about the local colleges? I know we can bring our own birthmother but really that is not my job, if it were I would be a social worker at an adoption agency and I wouldn't need an agency I could use a lawyer.
How many questions/emails can I ask/send before I tick off/aggravate the social worker/agency. If I tick them off then it only delays us more and punishes my husband. At the same time I think to myself, they are suppose to be working for us?

Birthmothers

So who are these gift giving selfless women who decide to give their beautiful babies up? These women are the strongest most loving of all women. They decide when they can not provide for this infant that they would hand pick a couple (hopefully us) to love, raise, support, and nurture their child (and maybe spoil, lol). They allow an infertile couple to have a family and for this child to have maybe everything they would have wanted if the circumstances were different.
This isn't just the stereotypical teenager, thus could easily be that young woman in college that wants to become a Doctor or lawyer or entrepreneur that doesn't think raising a child maybe by herself would be the best time but doesn't want to terminate. What about that woman in her thirties that thought the man was going to stick around and leaves half way through her pregnancy and she is already working two jobs to make ends meet, that also could be our birth mother.
These women are everywhere and could be anyone, no judgement just pure love for their child and to give a couple the most precious gift of their lives.

Paperwork

So from the beginning there was a lot of work, paperwork that is. Both Art and I typed out an autobiography and they were a minimum of 10 pages, answering very broad questions to very detailed emotions/personal information. The autobiography was the beginning, we also needed physicals, bloodwork, finance info, health insurance info, letters of recommendation, and our family tree/info.
Needless to say we were exhausted! We pumped all of it out in a week, staying up until 2 am some nights, I thought quicker on the list maybe the quicker we could be placed. Not the case I am finding out.
So now we need to submit a picture book, a book that the potential birth mothers look at and determine which couples she would like to meet face to face, no pressure right? I mean this is it, this is how she chooses whom she wants to pick. There are a million things going through my head, family, house, trips, animals, and each other. I am thinking not to much travel stuff I don't want her to think we are never home, not to much on the animals because I don't want her to think I will not have time, but I don't want her to think we just sit at home?!?!?! So many factors and not s lot of direction. But I did it, in 36 hours straight at a scrapbooking event and help from Art (loading/unloading my supplies and coffee) it became a masterpiece.
So the paper work is done, the scrapbook is done, and then came our homestudy.
Homestudy, what is that? A social worker cones to our home and spends approximately 4 hours at our house with us in our environment and then with our information submitted and her visit info writes up a ~15 page report. We were in a tizzy that day she was coming, preparing all week for arrival. We had to be prepared to be judged, what if our decorating style was to much, what if she hated animals, what if dog hair offended her, we have one close neighbor and what if that bothered her......thank goodness our social worker was amazing and complimented my style and loved the dogs, that was a relief.
The whole process is so uneasy and you really start to think. So many people just have children easily and here we are trying everything in our power to please and be perfect because the perception our social worker gives to the birth mother could mean the difference between a baby or not.

Little Background

My husband (Art) and I met just over five years ago and have been married just over three years. We both graduated from Grand Valley State University and I went to Baker College to receive my Associates in Veterinary Technology. So with both of secured in our jobs and into our second home with a lot of work done (are house improvements really ever done, lol) we thought about starting a family.
After many months of unsuccessful conception we visited Doctors and were determined infertile. So our first choice with this news was adoption. We decided that our first adoption would be a local domestic adoption. After much research and meetings we chose our agency and began the rigorous paperwork.
So now we are waiting, on the list 6 months. On the list with 10 other couples with only few and far in-between birth mothers.

Future Topics:
Paperwork
Birthmothers
Agencies
The wait
Friend Pregnancies
Family Support

6 months and waiting for our little angel!

Beginning

Well this is the first post of hopefully many. Started a blog to express my emotions and feelings while awaiting for our little angel to find us, we (my husband and I) are waiting to be chosen as parents by a birth mother. We have been on the waiting list for 6 months and I (Michele) have had a harder time waiting and love to talk so I thought I would give this a try.